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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23581390">Bad Liar</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprodigypenguin/pseuds/theprodigypenguin'>theprodigypenguin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne &amp; Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Blood, Brotherly Love, Butterbeer (Harry Potter), Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Chocolate Frog Cards, Crack Relationships, Crushes, Crying, Cute, Dark Magic, Dark witch - Freeform, Death, Depression, Family Fluff, First Dates, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Funeral, Galleons, Gay James Sirius Potter, Gryffindor, Gryffindor/Slytherin Inter-House Relationships, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child Compliant, Hogsmeade, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Head Boys &amp; Head Girls, Holyhead Harpies, Honeydukes, Hopeful Ending, Hufflepuff, Hurt/Comfort, Kidnapping, Killing Curse, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Melancholy, Muggle-born, Murder, O.W.L.s | Ordinary Wizarding Levels, Overdosing, Quidditch, Quidditch Player James Sirius Potter, Ravenclaw, Romantic Fluff, Scorbus, Secret Relationship, Self-Hatred, Sibling Love, Slytherin, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, The Burrow (Harry Potter), The Great Hall - Hogwarts, The Great Lake | The Black Lake (Harry Potter), Therapy, acid pops, but they're totally in love okay, crack ship, craig x james, fall out boy merch, in the closet, james sirius potter x craig bowker jr, jeddy, mentions of teddy x victoire, mentions of tedoire, mild violence, prefect - Freeform, quidditch chaser, rated mature for death, scorbus ship is only hinted at, very bittersweet</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:15:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,054</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23581390</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprodigypenguin/pseuds/theprodigypenguin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Truth or dare was supposed to be a stupid game for kids to play just to kill time. It was never meant to start something serious with someone whom Craig never would have been interested in otherwise.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Teddy Lupin/James Sirius Potter, james sirius potter/craig bowker jr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>72</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. You Are the Reason</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Some quick notes. Craig's age isn't really canon, though I know the majority of fandom considers him the same age as Albus and Scorpius. I always got the sense he was just a bit older, so in this fic: Albus and Scorpius are 14, Craig is 15, James is 16.</p>
<p>I've been wanting to write this fic since December, but I wasn't really prepared until now. I definitely feel like I could have done better, but god damn this was SO fun to write. I want to write more to this, but a second chapter in James' POV would be SO fucking depressing, especially after this. I'm just deciding if I should.</p>
<p>Talk about exploring dark themes, oof.</p>
<p>I hope you enjoy this crack ship fic XD</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter song: You Are the Reason - Calum Scott</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Truth or dare was supposed to be a stupid game for kids to play just to kill time. It was never meant to start something serious with someone whom Craig never would have been interested in otherwise.</p>
<p>He knew James Potter as well as the next person. He was Harry Potter’s oldest son, Albus and Lily’s older brother. A Gryffindor, and definitely acted like one. James was loud, but not just when he talked. His entire presence seemed to be loud. He walked into a room and everyone took notice, because the idiot knew how to make an entrance. Hell, even if he entered a room silently, people still paid attention, because he walked with an air of confidence and pride, sauntering like he owned the entire castle. His grin made both girls and boys swoon, no matter how old they were or what house they were in.</p>
<p>It wasn’t just that, either. James Potter, for all extensive purposes, was undoubtedly one of the most attractive, if not the most attractive, person at the entire school; and everyone knew it. His hair was a particular shade of auburn on the razors edge between red and black. It was wavy, kept neat enough, or maybe it was just messy enough to look natural on him. His fringe was always falling into his eyes, which Craig swore imitated the same glow as polished amber.</p>
<p>There was a dimple in his cheek that he loved to show off with a frustratingly overconfident smile, and freckles across his nose and cheeks that became darker when he stayed in the sun for too long. James was the kind of guy to opt out of wearing a sweater vest or robes at school. Instead he sported the white button down uniform shirt with a loose Gryffindor tie as the only proof he actually attended Hogwarts.</p>
<p>James Potter was eccentric, friendly, outgoing and reckless. Craig had heard his fair share of stories depicting James getting into a mess with the Professor’s because of a scheme going wrong. He pulled so many pranks with his cousins and friends that it immediately caught Craig’s attention during his first year. When James was in his second.</p>
<p>Craig wasn’t as interested in getting into trouble as James.</p>
<p>He was Muggle born, and before getting his acceptance letter, he’d had no idea magic even existed. Well, some part of him did know, but it wasn’t until he’d received his letter that it all clicked into place. When Craig saw Hogwarts for the first time, all aglow from the light of the moon that shone down as they crossed the Black Lake on boats, a part of Craig that had been missing suddenly fell into place. Where in the past Craig always felt like he was in the wrong place, having the hat settle on his head and call out “Slytherin” made him feel like he was home.</p>
<p>Craig was determined to prove he belonged there. No matter what he had to do, he was going to show everyone that he was meant to be there. He studied hard, did his best to follow the rules, glowed in pride whenever he earned points for Slytherin, and took it upon himself to enforce the rules when he saw other people breaking them. By his third year, Craig had adopted a reputation as quite the bossy stick in the mud, and James was always happy to quip that whenever they crossed paths.</p>
<p>Craig didn’t care. He reveled in his reputation. It wasn’t until his fourth year that he started thinking about becoming a Prefect, and eventually Head Boy. Everyone said that ambition was a Slytherin trait, and damn if Craig didn’t have a surplus of it. He was determined to earn that badge in his sixth year, and no one was going to get in his way. Nothing was more important, especially not James Potter.</p>
<p>Not some overconfident, macho Quidditch Chaser who was way too high on himself. That’s all Craig thought James was, and he would say so to James’ face whenever they got into it. Of course one of the most well behaved students would get into constant rows with one of Hogwarts biggest rule breakers. People were so used to Craig nagging James by now that their voices were just white noise in the hall. The Slytherin scolding the Gryffindor had become a fixture of the day to day life at the school.</p>
<p>James always seemed to be trying his hardest to rile Craig up. Whenever he saw Craig he would smile this stupid smile that had Craig burning in irritation, because he just knew the fucking idiot was planning something. He would pass Craig in the hall, their eyes meeting, and Craig would ask: “What have you done now, Potter?”</p>
<p>James’ eyes would sparkle in delight. It was like he took joy from pissing Craig off.</p>
<p>Stupid bastard.</p>
<p>Craig had barely begun his fourth year. He was sitting outside with some of his friends down by Black Lake, lounging against lifted tree roots, reading books and studying. At least Craig was studying. The rest of his friends were playing a game of truth or dare, and Craig wasn’t even a little interested. He was supposed to take his OWL exams the following year, he didn’t have time to play games.</p>
<p>“Come on, Craig, just play one round.” It was a Ravenclaw girl who was jabbing at him, which was unusual. Normally she was just as interested in her studies.</p>
<p>“No thank you,” Craig declined as politely as possible, turning the page in his book.</p>
<p>His eyes flickered up when he heard familiar laughter, scowling when James came through the trees with two of his cousins, Roxanne Weasley and Louis Delacour-Weasley. Strange, usually Fred was trailing after him. If he wasn’t there then he probably had detention. Served him right. Craig turned his attention back to his book, trying to block out James’ voice as he went back to reading.</p>
<p>He did his best to concentrate, until another of his friends yanked the book from his hands.</p>
<p>“Hey!”</p>
<p>“You need to learn to let loose sometimes!” His friend smacked Craig over the head with his book.</p>
<p>Craig reached up to rub at the sore spot, gritting his teeth. “Fucker!”</p>
<p>“Just one round, come on!” All his friends began to moan and whine, begging him, and Craig groaned, dropping his hands.</p>
<p>“Alright, fuck! One bloody round!”</p>
<p>“Nice!”</p>
<p>“Okay, it’s super easy—"</p>
<p>“I know how to play,” Craig said, folding his arms, and his friends hummed before looking at each other.</p>
<p>“Whose turn was it?”</p>
<p>“I’ll go.” It was a fellow Slytherin that leaned towards Craig. “Truth or dare, Craig.”</p>
<p>Craig scrunched up his nose. The last thing he wanted was for them to goad him into telling them an embarrassing secret. If he chose dare he may end up having to do something stupid, but how bad could it be?</p>
<p>He exhaled through his nose before answering. “Dare.”</p>
<p>The faces of delight that met him were absolutely horrifying, and the dare he was given made his head spin so fast he almost blacked out.</p>
<p>“I dare you to go over and ask out James Potter!”</p>
<p>The others around him gave whoops and cheers of agreement. Craig felt like his soul had left his body.</p>
<p>“You want me to do what? No fucking way!”</p>
<p>“Why not?”</p>
<p>“Just look at him!” Craig looked over at where James was laughing a good distance away with Louis and Roxanne. “He’s just so… so… ugh!”</p>
<p>“That was articulate.”</p>
<p>“You have to, Craig. You chose dare.”</p>
<p>“I’d rather date a Hippogriff!” Craig sneered, and the Ravenclaw girl burst out laughing.</p>
<p>“Either ask him out or take the penalty.”</p>
<p>Craig felt nauseous. “What’s the penalty then?”</p>
<p>“The penalty,” all of them leaned towards him, “is you have to sneak out after dark, go to the Trophy Room, and draw a mustache on the picture of Harry Potter. The one where he won the Quidditch Cup.”</p>
<p>“It can’t be a regular mustache either,” the Ravenclaw quickly added. “You gotta charm it on so it can’t be wiped off.”</p>
<p>Craig was almost positive he’d turned as green as the drapes in his bedroom. “Please say sike.”</p>
<p>“One or the other, Craig.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Craig grumbled miserably, looking sheepishly towards James.</p>
<p>His cheeks burned when their eyes met. Craig could have sworn James had been watching him. The Gryffindor turned away quickly, and Craig got the terrifying thought that James knew what they were talking about. Fuck.</p>
<p>“I just have to ask him out and say I’m kidding, so—"</p>
<p>“Nope,” the Gryffindor in the group, fuck, stuck his arm out, looking at Craig with a serious gleam to his eyes. “You have to ask him out, go on at least one date, and stay with him for a full week.”</p>
<p>“That’s crap!” Craig punched the ground, but everyone else was agreeing.</p>
<p>It took a few more minutes of egging him on, and a bribe of a Galleon from each of them, to finally get Craig to stand. He felt miserable and never wanted to play this game again, but whatever. This was just another challenge, another test, and Craig was good at taking tests. He took a breath and stood straighter, lifting his chin as he started walking in the direction of the three Gryffindor’s.</p>
<p>Craig walked with long, purposeful strides. James had his back to him, but Louis noticed him making a straight beeline for the trio. His eyes filled with curiosity, and he looked at James, saying something that had the Chaser turning around. He looked bewildered as Craig stopped a few steps in front of him, glaring at him. He’d actually never seen James look so out of place and taken by surprise, but he was only able to enjoy it for a moment before he opened his mouth.</p>
<p>He’d never done this before, asked someone out, so he didn’t really know what to say. Not to mention Craig had not planned this at all. He’d stormed over completely spontaneously, just wanting to get it over with. Still, Craig was good at bullshitting his way through awkward situations, and kept his glaring eyes on James as he spoke.</p>
<p>“Go out with me.”</p>
<p>All three of them looked confused for a moment, but Louis and Roxanne seemed to comprehend what was happening before James. They looked way too excited, glancing at each other gleefully as James continued to stare at Craig with a blank expression. He looked so completely vacant that Craig wanted to smack him.</p>
<p>“Go out with you?”</p>
<p>“That’s what I said. Are your ears not working?”</p>
<p>“I—"</p>
<p>“You’re going to take me on a date,” Craig said, and he didn’t think he’d ever seen James Potter’s face turn that red before. “Next trip to Hogsmeade, you’re going to take me out.”</p>
<p>“Oh. Yeah. Yeah! Sure, I can do that! Next Hogsmeade? I can do that!”</p>
<p>Craig was a little surprised at how eager James looked and sounded, but he’d done what he needed to do, so he turned away. When he sat back down he folded his arms, ignoring the comments from his friends about how they hadn’t expected him to actually do it. Fuckers.</p>
<p>After that he forgot about the dare, about the fact he’d asked James out, until that following Saturday. Craig did pick up on how jittery James seemed to be from across the Great Hall. He was picking at the food on his plate, looking around with wide eyes whenever someone talked to him. More than once he looked over at the Slytherin table, giving Craig the biggest smile whenever their eyes met. Craig would quickly look away when that happened, clinging to his fork with white knuckles.</p>
<p>Craig wasn’t used to seeing that kind of smile on James. It wasn’t confident or teasing, and it definitely wasn’t hiding anything sneaky or suspicious. That smile was pure— something. Joy? Craig wasn’t sure. It was a smile that held something far more innocent than what Craig was used to.</p>
<p>He was leaning against the far wall when Craig left the Great Hall after breakfast, pushing off so he could stand in front of the Slytherin, looking incredibly excited about something.</p>
<p>“Ready?” He asked, and Craig gave him a blank look that James didn’t respond to. He seemed too happy to be knocked off by Craig’s lack of understanding.</p>
<p>The fool was definitely dressed for Hogsmeade, wearing casual jeans, a Fall Out Boy band t-shirt, and a Hollyhead Harpies letter jacket that he probably got from his mum. The memory of asking James out hit Craig like a train, and his head reeled in shock. He’d completely forgotten, but here James was dressed up for a day out. Even his hair looked neater than usual.</p>
<p>“Look, um—” Craig was about to call it off, explain that it was just a dare. He didn’t know what stopped him.</p>
<p>Maybe it was the fact he noticed his friends watching him with hungry eyes from the end of the hall, knowing he’d be out five Galleons if he turned James down now. It definitely wasn’t because of the way James’ smile began to waver, something like panic in his eyes.</p>
<p>Craig folded his arms and lifted his chin. “Look,” he started again, “you better not have expected me to get all dressed up like you.”</p>
<p>James’ face filled back up with excitement. “No, you look fine with what you’re wearing now! Not that you wouldn’t look fine wearing something else. Uh—”</p>
<p>What?</p>
<p>James held his arm out with a jerk, like he was expecting Craig to hook their elbows together as if James was leading him to a dance. That wasn’t gonna happen. Craig just turned, walking past James, who quickly followed him. It was just for a dare, but Craig did try to be polite, since it wasn’t really James’ fault he was in this mess. In fact Craig had to wonder why James even agreed to the date. It all would have ended and gone back to the way things always were between them if James had just said “no thanks”. Instead he’d gotten stars in his eyes, stuttering through an okay like he’d actually been flustered.</p>
<p>There was no way, though. James Potter? Flustered? Flustered over Craig? This was mad.</p>
<p>Yet even the times Craig seemed distant during their date, James wasn’t even a little discouraged. He was as bright and cheerful as he always was, leading Craig through the shops at Hogsmeade. He opened doors for him, offered to buy things for him. It was mind-boggling, something Craig had never experienced before, or even expected to experience. Certainly not with James Potter. He was actually quite the gentleman, and more than once Craig found himself laughing at something he’d said.</p>
<p>The first time it happened was when they were at Honeydukes. James was holding an Acid Pop and telling a story about when he’d first tried one. He was explaining how he’d been obsessed with them when he was younger, and always snuck them at night when everyone was asleep. He ended up making his tongue bleed from eating so many of them, so now he couldn’t eat one without crying. Craig had burst out laughing, and James looked so delighted that he’d made his date laugh.</p>
<p>They were halfway through the day when Craig realized he was actually having fun. He wasn’t thinking about school, or studying, or rules. He was letting himself relax and enjoying himself. At the end of the day, when they were walking back to Hogwarts, he actually felt a little sad that it was over.</p>
<p>“It was fun,” he said, looking down at the Chocolate Frog card he’d unwrapped at Honeydukes; it was Nymphadora Tonks. He loved her cards, because her hair was always changing wild colors. “I’m a little upset there aren’t more hours in the day.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?” James asked, and Craig hummed.</p>
<p>“Just wish we had more time is all.”</p>
<p>James stopped walking, so did Craig, looking over to see the excited look on James’ face. “We’ve got tons of time, what are you talking about?” He was beaming. “We can just go to Hogsmeade again next week. I chose all the shops we went to today, but next time you can choose.”</p>
<p>Craig felt a little confused at the decision. He only went on this date because of a dare after all. “What? We can’t do that.”</p>
<p>“Why not?” James asked, head tilting, and Craig felt his heart lurch.</p>
<p>“I… have to study.”</p>
<p>“Not on Saturday’s,” James said with a laugh. The smile fell, and he gave Craig a concerned look. “You know you’re allowed to take breaks, right?” Craig bristled, his cheeks got warm, and James snorted. “If you had fun today, then let’s do it again. I wouldn’t mind. In fact, I’d love to go out with you again.”</p>
<p>Craig felt paralyzed. This was completely off script. This definitely wasn’t the plan. James wasn’t supposed to smile at him like that. He wasn’t supposed to ask for a second date. Fuck. This was supposed to be a dare. Craig should just say no, tell James to forget it, but he didn’t. He said okay to a second date, and the entire week between they were throwing each other looks across the Great Hall. Only this time, neither of them looked away first. James smiled, Craig frowned, and it made James smile more.</p>
<p>When they passed each other on their way to classes, they would glance at each other, greet each other, but there was none of the usual nagging or scolding. That’s not to say Craig didn’t scold or nag James. He would still catch James doing something he didn’t like and jab at him for it, but there was much less venom suddenly. Craig was getting less and less annoyed by James, and it was driving him up a wall at the same time.</p>
<p>James started to join Craig in the library after their second date. Craig was really surprised by it, but James didn’t just sit there and mess around. He actually pulled books out and studied. In fact, he even seemed to be enjoying himself. Where Craig expected James to look like he was struggling, or procrastinate in his work, James seemed to work swiftly without a single problem. It was jarring to the point of speechlessness when Craig realized that James was actually brilliant. It was eye opening. Craig was starting to see James in a new light, and he really liked what he was looking at.</p>
<p>Craig always thought James was this hollow headed jock, but he was so much more. He was a confident man who had legitimate substance beyond Quidditch and pranks. They could talk for hours about everything under the sun. Intelligent conversations, discussions and debates. James even helped tudor Craig through a few subjects he’d been struggling with. That was one of the perks of dating someone a year ahead. James had already done what Craig was in the middle of doing, so he could help him no problem.</p>
<p>After their third date, Craig’s friends started to notice something was up, but Craig never gave them the time of day about it. He still hung out with them, but he also took a lot of time to spend exclusively with James. It became the highlight of his day whenever they would meet up in the library to study together, or walk down to Black Lake during breaks to talk and sit by the water.</p>
<p>It was after their fourth date that they started to hold hands. James instigated it of course.</p>
<p>They were walking side by side back towards Hogwarts, Craig’s stomach was warm from the Butterbeer they’d enjoyed, and his chest was warm from laughter. He was walking so close to James that their shoulders were almost touching, and when the backs of their fingers brushed together, Craig didn’t hesitate to open his hand.</p>
<p>He didn’t realize what was happening until James hooked their fingers together, squeezing Craig’s hand. Craig looked over to see the Gryffindor had a large smile on his face, his cheeks burning red. James seemed to pick up on Craig looking at him, turning his head to meet his eye with a slight downturn of his lips.</p>
<p>“This is okay, right?” He asked, giving Craig’s hand another squeeze, and Craig felt his face burn to match the blush James wore.</p>
<p>“It’s fine.” He jerked his head away. “If your palms tend to get sweaty in the summer, though, we’re gonna have a problem.”</p>
<p>James laughed, tugging Craig closer.</p>
<p>It was surprisingly easy to fall into a romantic routine with James, despite how it was his first relationship. Craig didn’t know how, but they managed to keep it secret for the most part. Roxanne and Louis knew, and Craig’s friends were definitely suspicious, but there were no rumors floating through the school, so they probably hadn’t mentioned it to anyone else. Craig never heard anything about handsome, popular James Sirius Potter dating someone in secret, so no one else knew about it.</p>
<p>Craig liked that. Not because he was embarrassed, but because he liked his privacy. He liked being able to meet James at the Black Lake without people watching them with envious or disgusted eyes. Their relationship was something young and special, something just between them that they didn’t have to share. It was something so much more substantial than school work, and while Craig still aimed for perfect grades and wanted to be a Prefect, he was starting to recognize there was a lot more to life than that. Something more magical than magic.</p>
<p>Things got even deeper between them when James started talking about more than just school and his opinion on Divination. Sometimes Craig forgot that James was Harry Potter’s son, but it hit him hard when James talked about it. He would look so tired, and that was the last thing Craig had expected.</p>
<p>They were sitting down by Black Lake, facing each other beneath a tree at the edge of the water. James was stacking up small stones and pebbles as he talked about his parents, his family, his self doubt and inadequacies. Craig was blindsided, because why would James Sirius Potter look in the mirror and want to break it into shards? Craig had no idea how heavy it must have been, to shoulder the names that he did, as well as the weight of expectations from both the Wizarding World and his own family.</p>
<p>Behind his mask of confidence and sometimes foolhardy pranks was a fifteen year old who was breaking in all the wrong places. James carried around so much shame because he thought being gay would disappoint his father. He felt like he wasn’t good enough, and that he had to prove himself to Harry. He felt like he needed to live up to the names he’d been given, as if those names defined him. Craig could see the toll it was taking on James.</p>
<p>Despite it all, when James talked about his family, Craig could tell how much he loved them. He would tell stories about his parents, about his siblings and cousins, his aunts, uncles, and grandparents. Craig felt startled when James talked about Albus. The reclusive and standoffish Slytherin definitely wasn’t Craig’s first choice of a friend, but James talked about him in such a different way than Craig was used to.</p>
<p>Craig always heard Albus being talked about as if he was the worst person to ever exist. He’d lost track of all the names people would call Albus. Slytherin Squib, the False Potter, among other more crass names and insults. That was disregarding all the physical harassment and bullying Albus endured. Being a Slytherin, Craig would sometimes have a front row seat to it, but more often than not he only saw the aftermath.</p>
<p>There was a couch in the common room pushed against one of the windows that showed the lake beyond the enchanted glass. Albus would lie there, silent and stationary, using Scorpius as a pillow while the other boy read a book. Craig was used to it, though he never joined in on the bullying. In fact he was always the first to snap at the students when he saw them circling Albus and Scorpius.</p>
<p>It wasn’t like he felt some obligation to look after Albus. He just didn’t want them losing house points or getting everyone else in trouble. That was the only reason.</p>
<p>Hearing James talk about Albus gave Craig a new angle on who Albus was, simultaneously filling him with heavy guilt at the fact he never tried to actively take care of the younger Slytherin’s. Albus wasn’t a bad person. He didn’t deserve any of it.</p>
<p>James shone golden light over Albus where Craig used to see only shadow. He talked a mile a minute about how fun his younger brother actually was when he was in a good mood. He told stories about building forts with Albus and reading stories to Albus at night until he’d fallen asleep. Then James told Craig about the treehouse in their backyard that they would hide up in together, and how Albus cried the first time James left for Hogwarts.</p>
<p>James confessed that he wished his relationship with his brother was still as close as it used to be. More than anything else, he wanted to go back to how it used to be with Albus.</p>
<p>That’s when James revealed the shame and guilt he harbored. He hated himself for not protecting Albus, for never stopping the bullies when they were going at Albus. It would have been the easiest thing to step in and just act like a brother, but he never did.</p>
<p>“I’m a bad person,” James said, picking the dirt from under his nails. “A coward.”</p>
<p>Craig screwed up his face, shaking his head. “You’re just a kid,” he argued. “It’s not your responsibility to be a knight in shining armor. You’re not his parent, James.”</p>
<p>James looked up at him with a weak smile. “But I am his brother.”</p>
<p>Craig and James discovered each other layer by layer, getting through the walls and the facades to truly know the person beneath it all. The real James Potter was someone Craig had never met before, and he was falling quickly, stupidly, foolishly for him. It put a whole new spin on things when James admitted that he’d liked Craig for ages before Craig had even asked him out. Craig thought James would be upset when he admitted he only asked him out on a dare, but instead James burst out laughing. It was a fitting start, he claimed, and Craig agreed.</p>
<p>He liked James. A lot.</p>
<p>Heading home for the summer was actually a little terrifying, because Craig didn’t want to be away from James in case he forgot about him. He shouldn’t have worried, because James had different ideas. Craig probably should have expected James to plan ahead this much. After dating for almost the entire school year, James wasn’t going to just forget him.</p>
<p>“Craig!” James was flinging himself between people at King’s Cross, struggling to reach where Craig was standing.</p>
<p>Craig didn’t move, just stared at James and enjoyed the show as the Gryffindor stumbled between two adults and stopped in front of Craig. He held out a slip of paper, smiling. Craig took it from him. He recognized that it was a phone number, but wanted to ask anyway.</p>
<p>“What’s this?”</p>
<p>James snorted. “My cell number. I know we’re not supposed to have technology at school, but it’s fine when we’re not at Hogwarts. Text me, call me. We can meet up sometime this summer, go on a few dates where no one recognizes us.”</p>
<p>“Would your parents let you go into London by yourself?” Craig asked in amusement, and James snorted.</p>
<p>“I’ll be sixteen soon enough. I’m old enough to take the tube or catch the bus.”</p>
<p>“If you say so.” Craig tucked the phone number into his pocket, giving James a small smile. “I’ll text you later.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” James grinned. “I like having something to look forward to.”</p>
<p>“James, we’re going!” Craig heard Lily call through the crowd. “We’re gonna leave you here!”</p>
<p>“Jeeze,” James breathed, then smiled at Craig again, backing up. “I’ll talk to you later.”</p>
<p>Thanks to James’ bright idea of exchanging numbers, that summer turned out to be a hundred times better than Craig could have expected. All the dates they went on were far from fancy or elegant, but honestly Craig was just happy to be spending time with his boyfriend. They went out to the theatre at least once a week to watch new movie releases, picked up fast food and ate in the empty corners of the park where no one would bother them. Sometimes they would just take walks and enjoy the weather.</p>
<p>It made Craig feel wanted, the fact James was eager to continue their relationship through the summer; outside of Hogwarts. It was beyond anything Craig had ever expected. It was better.</p>
<p>They were on the beach when they had their first kiss. It was Craig’s first kiss with anyone, but he knew he’d remember it. The two of them had been standing face to face, discussing the OWL exams. The sun was setting off to the side, sending a golden glow through the clouds. James had reached out to hold both of Craig’s hands, the touch prompting Craig to look directly into James’ eyes.</p>
<p>He saw it coming, leaning towards each other and eyes closing as their lips brushed together. Craig melted, his fingers twisting together with James’ and pushing himself closer. The kiss seemed to fill him with confidence, parting his lips to deepen it. He could feel James smiling against his mouth. It was perfect, and Craig didn’t even feel embarrassed that he’d gone fifteen years without kissing anyone before. If it meant James was the first, then he was happy he’d waited.</p>
<p>Most of the time when they met up, James was his usual cheerful self. Spending time with him made Craig forget about all the stress in his life. James had become Craig’s closest friend as well as his first boyfriend in less than ten months. He felt like he could tell James everything, and he did. So did James, and the trust they shared was something Craig didn’t even realize he could have with another person.</p>
<p>It made Craig feel even prouder when James showed him the less confident parts of himself. Those times were rare, because James was predominately a very happy person, but they still happened. A few times during the summer they would meet up and James would be absolutely miserable. He’d argued with his father, or his mother, or even one of his siblings. Fighting with his family always made James feel horrible.</p>
<p>Craig couldn’t count the times he’d been woken up in the middle of the night by his phone. James would be calling because he missed Craig, or just needed to talk. Not that he was the only one. Craig would call James at the worst time of night, and James would pick up every time. They would talk all through the night, and text when they weren’t connected in a call.</p>
<p>At the end of summer Craig was excited to meet James again, but when he saw the now sixteen year old on the train, he felt something fall in his stomach. James was smiling, but his eyes looked empty. They managed to find an empty compartment, which Craig pulled James into.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” James said, sitting across from Craig, hands folded and head down. “Just… dad and Albus got into it the other day and… it’s just stressful, you know?”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p>James rubbed his thumb over his knuckles; Craig noted how red they looked, like he’d been punching a wall. “Al said he wished dad wasn’t his father, and dad responded by saying he wished Al wasn’t his son.” Craig winced at the story. James pinched his eyes shut. “I know it’s stupid, but—"</p>
<p>“You’re not stupid for worrying about them, James.” Craig reached out to take one of James’ hands. “What did this?” he asked, carefully inspecting the scraped knuckles.</p>
<p>“A tree,” James muttered, and Craig furrowed his brow.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t hurt yourself like this. It won’t help anything.”</p>
<p>James just smiled. “Nah, it’s no big deal when I’ve got a super great boyfriend to kiss it all better.”</p>
<p>Craig frowned at that, but he could feel his cheeks burning.</p>
<p>He thought that would be the end of it. He thought things would get better when they got to Hogwarts. Craig promised he’d keep an eye on Albus, but he never got the chance to. It all became a mess the moment they got off the train. Albus and Scorpius were missing, and James was a wreck. It was almost frightening how easily James could pretend everything was fine, that he wasn’t scared out of his mind about what was happening.</p>
<p>He laughed during dinner, laughed at breakfast, Craig saw him pranking and teasing as he usually did, living without a care in the world and only frowning when someone started bad mouthing Albus. Rumors flew about where he’d gone off to, none of them good, but James just rolled his eyes and scoffed.</p>
<p>It wasn’t until he was alone with Craig that he started shaking, so badly that Craig had to force him to sit down. James started to hyperventilate and choke on his lungs, and it got to the point where Craig wanted to bring him to the hospital, but James begged him not to.</p>
<p>“I’m not important,” he said in a broken voice, his eyes glassy. “I just want my brother to come back. I’m scared. Is it my fault? My dad’s fault? He said he didn’t want Albus to be his son, but I still want him to be my brother.”</p>
<p>It was disillusioning, seeing James like this. It was a completely new side to him that Craig hadn’t seen before. He tried to help. He held James as he ranted, close to tears but shedding none. As they sat beside the lake, Craig pet a hand through his hair and simply tried to be there. If nothing else, Craig just wanted James to know he would be there. It didn’t seem fair that James, and his family, were going through this. Half of Craig wanted to reprimand Albus for being ungrateful and worrying James like this. Meanwhile, the more logical side of him knew Albus was just young and impulsive. If he was anything like James said, he would probably live with the guilt of hurting his family for the rest of his life and never forgive himself.</p>
<p>When Albus showed up again, he was at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. They found him unconscious with a broken arm, cradled in Scorpius’ arms. James was so relieved when he heard Albus was okay that he very nearly cried in front of the entire school. When he tried to visit Albus at the hospital wing, it was McGonagoll who told him not to worry, and to focus on his studies. That everything was fine.</p>
<p>James didn’t believe her, and he said as much to Craig. The Slytherin tried to do what he could to ease James’ worries, attempting to catch Scorpius alone in the common room to ask what had happened, but the young Malfoy was skilled at avoiding potential conflict by now. Craig would see a glimpse of him, then he would be gone. Honestly he had no idea where Scorpius went, but it was a good hiding place, wherever it was.</p>
<p>Nothing was better.</p>
<p>Albus wouldn’t look at James, let alone talk to him, and James was looking more and more miserable by the day.</p>
<p>Craig almost never saw Scorpius with Albus anymore, and whenever he thought too much about it, Craig started to get a migraine.</p>
<p>He seemed to have such distinct memories of Albus dressed in green Slytherin robes, so seeing him in red gave him a headache. Craig didn’t know what was happening anymore, but he got such a terrible feeling when he thought about it. James did as well. As if both of them knew something was just horribly wrong.</p>
<p>Whenever they met up James would just lie on his back with his head on Craig’s lap. His usual tan seemed to be pasty, even his freckles were pale. He looked ill, and Craig was worried something more was happening beyond James being worried about Albus. He recalled back on the train when he saw James’ scraped knuckles, and immediately feared something similar was happening. That James was maybe punishing himself for not looking after Albus.</p>
<p>“This wasn’t your fault, you know.” Craig chided gently, threading his fingers through James’ hair and combing out the curly tangles. “At least he’s safe.”</p>
<p>“I still don’t even know what happened,” James mumbled, rolling onto his side with his head still on Craig’s lap, staring out over the lake. “No one will tell me. How am I supposed to help Al if no one tells me what’s going on? He’s so miserable these days, you should see him. He just sits in front of the fireplace in the common room; staring. He hasn’t talked to Scorpius in… ages.”</p>
<p>“Scorpius isn’t looking much better, now that you mention it,” Craig noted, working out a particularly tight knot in James’ hair. “He’s been coming back to the common room with bruises sometimes.”</p>
<p>James furrowed his brow, something like anger crossing his features. “Bruises. What the fuck. I know people bully and harass him, but… fuck… they’ve been going that far? Fuck.” He covered his face with an arm. “I can’t fucking stand this. What am I supposed to do? I need to tell Al about Scorpius. Fuck, why can’t they just be friends again? Doesn’t this feel wrong? Them not being together? I hate this so much. I feel so helpless.”</p>
<p>Craig was at a loss of what to say for a while as he sat there cradling James’ head, petting his hair and doing his best to comfort him. “Sometimes you can’t do anything,” Craig admitted, putting a hand on James’ shoulder when he tensed. “What I mean by that is sometimes you aren’t supposed to. I’ve known Albus for a while, and maybe I don’t know him as well as you, but I know how he acts. He’s stubborn, and he’s stupid. Like you. Everything will be fine. Everything with Albus will be okay eventually. What you need to do,” he pulled on James’ shoulder to get him to roll onto his back, meeting his eye, “is be there for the fallout. Stay behind him for when he falls, because he’ll need someone to fall to eventually. Let it be you.”</p>
<p>“Why would he trust me?” James asked. “I’ve never once been there for him before.”</p>
<p>“Remember what I said about you being just a kid?” Craig asked, tugging on James’ hair. “Kids do stupid shit. They make mistakes. You’re family, though, and you love your brother so much. You’ll get through it, the both of you, and at the end of it you’ll be closer than you ever were.”</p>
<p>James looked hopeful. “I want to be.”</p>
<p>“Then give a little,” Craig prodded. “A guy like Albus will start to trust you if you trust him first.”</p>
<p>“What does that mean?” James asked, and Craig hummed.</p>
<p>“Tell him the things you told me,” Craig explained. “Open up to him and show him you want him to be closer. Take the first step. He’ll meet you there.”</p>
<p>James looked thoughtful, and Craig pushed his fringe away from his forehead.</p>
<p>“Have you been sleeping?”</p>
<p>James looked startled before he became sheepish, looking away. “I… no.” He shut his eyes, sighing. “Lately I just can’t sleep. I just lie there. At some point in the night when I know everyone else is asleep, I just get up and go to Al’s dorm to check on him. I just want to make sure he’s still there. That he’s okay.”</p>
<p>“Do you sleep at all?”</p>
<p>James frowned. “During class.”</p>
<p>“Your grades are going to suffer,” Craig chided, and James grumbled.</p>
<p>“I know that already. Right now I care more about Albus, though.”</p>
<p>Craig sighed, brushing the backs of his fingers down James’ cheek and shaking his head. “You really are far more than you seem, aren’t you?” James met Craig’s gaze, saying nothing as the Slytherin continued to stroke back his hair. “Truly, for the rest of your life, you’ll do nothing but surprise people. You’ll do the exact opposite of what people expect. That’s just who you are.”</p>
<p>“What do you mean?”</p>
<p>“What do you think?” Craig snorted. “I always thought you were just some infuriating self entitled prick who was higher on yourself than any witch or wizard I’ve ever met before. You’re not. Well, no,” Craig laughed, “you definitely are. My point is there’s more than just that. The more, the parts that you don’t show, that’s what will surprise people in the end. They see what they expect, and they expect exactly what they see. People aren’t smart enough to look any deeper than that. I know I wasn’t.”</p>
<p>James hummed, reaching up to take one of Craig’s hands in his own. “Not exactly what I expect to hear a fifteen year old say.”</p>
<p>“I’m not even that much younger than you,” Craig snapped, and James laughed.</p>
<p>“Maybe you’re right though.”</p>
<p>“I am right.” Craig covered James’ eyes with a hand. “Just remember what I said. Okay? Stop hating yourself so much. You’re not Albus’ father. Your job is to be his brother, not his parent. It’s a lot easier to be a brother than a parent.”</p>
<p>“Oh yeah. You have siblings too.” James hummed.</p>
<p>“I have a stupid older brother just like Albus does,” Craig hummed. “I think Al’s brother may be way worse, though.”</p>
<p>“You’re probably right,” James sighed, then smiled at Craig. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>Craig tugged gently on James’ hair. “Take a nap while we’re still on break. I’ll watch over you.”</p>
<p>James seemed more cheerful after their talk. A few weeks passed and Albus started talking to Scorpius again. Things seemed to be getting back to normal. Craig felt like he’d gotten whiplash, because Albus was dressed in green Slytherin robes when he could have sworn the Potter had been in Gryffindor a day ago.</p>
<p>It didn’t matter though. He and Scorpius were standing closer than ever, looking at each other with new light in their eyes. Whenever James passed Albus, the Gryffindor would brighten up and greet him. Albus never did more than mumble in response, as he usually did, but at least he was back to normal.</p>
<p>At least it seemed to be back to normal, until Albus and Scorpius disappeared yet again. Just before Halloween. James wasn’t as frantic that time, but he was still worried. When the Headmistress called for the entire student body to gather in the Great Hall, James sought out Craig and immediately clung to his hand. They stood at the back of the whispering crowd as McGonogall explained the situation in very little detail.</p>
<p>“She’s making a fuss over nothing, I can’t believe this,” Polly Chapman was whining from in front of them. “Why do we have to find them? Just let them stay gone, honestly. Who cares?”</p>
<p>Craig felt anger surge through him, but he didn’t realize he was starting towards her until James tightened his grip around his hand, pulling him to the back wall. He looked nervous, so Craig turned his full attention to him.</p>
<p>“She’s right though. McGonagall is making a fuss,” James said shakily. “Why, though? She’s acting as if Al and Scorpius were kidnapped.”</p>
<p>Craig set his jaw before leaning closer to James. “I’ll search around outside,” he said. “Where are you going?”</p>
<p>“They found Al at the edge of the forest last time,” James said. “I’ll go down to Hagrid’s.” He paused, looking thoughtful but determined. It was nice to see the fire in his eyes again. “Whoever is doing this, I’m going to show them what happens when they mess with a Potter.”</p>
<p>Craig smirked at that. “You do that.”</p>
<p>James blinked away the fury and gave Craig an owlish expression. “I should go with you.”</p>
<p>“We’ll cover more ground if we split up,” Craig argued, squeezing James’ hand. “I’m not helpless, I can take care of myself. You don’t have to protect me. Meet me at the Quidditch Pitch when you’re done at Hagrid’s, alright?”</p>
<p>James nodded firmly. “I like that idea.”</p>
<p>“Of course you do,” Craig snorted, and James smiled weakly.</p>
<p>He pulled Craig aside when people started filing out into the halls to start searching for Albus and Scorpius. They both ducked behind a large statue where no one could see them, and James leaned forward, pressing a firm kiss soundly against Craig’s mouth.</p>
<p>“I’ll see you at the pitch, Mr. Slytherin Prefect,” James said with a smile that Craig had grown to adore.</p>
<p>He lifted a hand to the side of James’ face, caressing his cheek tenderly before pinching at his dimple, making James groan in irritation. “That’s next year, prick.”</p>
<p>“Mr. Future Slytherin Prefect, then. Let go of my face.” James rubbed his cheek with a pout when Craig let him go, face going red when Craig leaned closer to kiss his dimple in apology.</p>
<p>“Let’s go find your problematic bloody brother.”</p>
<p>“Right.”</p>
<p>It was a short search before Craig caught sight of Albus and Scorpius on the Quidditch Pitch. Craig was supposed to meet James there after searching around the Hogwarts grounds, but he never expected the duo to be there of all places.</p>
<p>After recognizing Albus, Craig began to jog towards him. Then his eyes found the woman standing with them. She had a wand in her hand, pointed threateningly towards the duo. It was then Craig saw the expression on Albus’ face. His eyes were wide and glassy, his shoulders tense and shaking. Scorpius was hunched over between him and the strange witch.</p>
<p>The witch pointed her wand at Scorpius, and Craig was too far to hear what she said, but Scorpius crumpled with a scream as Albus’ eyes grew wider in horror, hands in fists at his sides. Craig was close enough then to hear him speak, his voice trembling.</p>
<p>“Stop. Please.”</p>
<p>Craig picked up speed, calling out to Albus and reaching for his wand. “Scorpius? Albus? Everyone’s looking for you—"</p>
<p>Albus’ eyes snapped to Craig the instant he said Scorpius’ name. “Craig. Get away. Get help!”</p>
<p>“What’s happening?” Craig demanded, trying to get closer, his fingers wrapping around the wand in his cloak pocket.</p>
<p>Albus never got the chance to answer. Their eyes were locked together, and Craig saw the way Albus’ panic morphed into pure fear. His green eyes were wide in horror, and for a moment it appeared as if the green had bled out into the air around him. It was bright emerald, clouded in the air in front of Craig, then blinding him.</p>
<p>Craig was relieved to have found Albus, and the weight of the wand in his hand was comforting. All he knew was that Albus was scared, Scorpius was hurting, and Craig needed to help.</p>
<p>He never got the chance.</p>
<p>His last thought was a good one at least; that James would be so happy to see Albus was safe.</p>
<p>That was it.</p>
<p>Craig would never be a Prefect.</p>
<p>Maybe worse than that, he would never see James again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Heavy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter song: Heavy - Linkin Park ft. Kiiara</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The chapel was cold, the walls were doing very little to keep away the chill of November, and the pews were harder than the ground. James thought he would have preferred the ground, actually. Sitting to his left, about as frozen as James, was Albus. At the very end, on Al’s other side, was Scorpius, and the two Slytherin’s were leaning against each other. Scorpius was slumped in the seat, his head on Albus’ shoulder, while Albus had his cheek nestled in Scorpius’ hair. Just to James’ right was Harry, followed by Ginny and Lily. Draco was sitting in the pew behind them, just behind Scorpius, and Teddy had chosen to sit beside his cousin.</p><p>The entire chapel was filled to the point where many people were standing at the sides or the back of the room. Wizards, witches, other students, and of course Muggles. People from Craig’s family, old friends, some kids around his age that he must have known from before Hogwarts. His parents and siblings all sat in the pew at the front of the chapel. James could hear his mother sniffing, head bowed, but he couldn’t hear much else.</p><p>Every noise, even the people who got up to speak, seemed muffled. If James didn’t know any better, he would have thought his ears were filled with cotton. They weren’t, but he couldn’t seem to hear anything. All he could think about was the fact the Bowker family would never be able to explain how Craig died to their Muggle family and friends. As far as they would ever know, his death had been a simple accident while away at boarding school. They would never know it was murder.</p><p>James shut his eyes, struggling to keep himself relaxed and calm. He wanted to curl his hands into fists, to punch the back of the pew in front of him, but he couldn’t let himself snap like that. He didn’t want to make a scene, especially at Craig’s funeral. It wasn’t fair to do that. It wasn’t fair to the Bowker family, or to Albus and Scorpius. This wasn’t fair at all.</p><p>James couldn’t stop seeing it, letting his eyes open slowly. The scene had moved away from the chapel. Instead he was standing on the Hogwarts grounds, trudging away from Hagrid’s hut. He’d searched around as much of the forest edge as he could, even a little into the trees. Albus wasn’t there, clearly, so he’d given up. His brother could be stupid, but he wouldn’t go too deep into the Forbidden Forest, no matter how angry he was, or how bitter he felt.</p><p>So James decided to meet up with Craig like they’d planned and search the Pitch together before going back to the castle. James needed to talk to Harry, because he clearly knew more than what he was letting on. James, frankly, didn’t think that was fair. It wasn’t fair that Harry was keeping secrets about Albus while James and Lily worried in ignorance. Weren’t they a family? Weren’t they supposed to be a team? Harry always used to tell James he had to look after his younger siblings, so why wasn’t he letting him do that now?</p><p>The Pitch had been eerily silent when James came to it, kicking at the sand as he passed the stands and got onto the field itself. He paused at the edge of it, looking up at the goals, and for a brief moment of peace he let himself think of something else. A tiny smile came to his lips as he stood there and thought of the first match he’d played after he’d started to go out with Craig. He recalled being suspended in the air, sitting on his broom and glancing towards the stands where the Slytherin’s were cheering for their team.</p><p>James found Albus and Scorpius with his eyes. Albus was leaning on the railing with his arms folded, looking bored, while Scorpius was clapping his hands, his brown eyes alight. Craig was standing near Albus, separated by another Slytherin boy who was screaming at the top of his lungs. Craig had been standing with his arms folded over his chest, dressed predictably in his Slytherin colors, including a deep green sweater.</p><p>By all intensive purposes he was there to support his house, but his dark eyes never once left James. James smiled at him, Craig arched an eyebrow, and James decided he had a much better reason to show off now.</p><p>Craig watched his matches with interest, and James always looked forward to meeting up with him afterwards. If Gryffindor won, Craig would say he got lucky. If Slytherin won, Craig would say the same exact thing. It was amusing how predictable he was.</p><p>“I don’t want Gryffindor to win, but I don’t mind if you win.”</p><p>“You know if I win, Gryffindor wins?”</p><p>“That’s just a flaw we have to deal with I suppose.”</p><p>James lowered his eyes to the Pitch with a frown. He’d expected Craig to be waiting somewhere obvious, more visible, but James couldn’t see him. Maybe he was still searching the grounds? Or he could be hiding. That seemed unlikely. Craig wasn’t the kind of person to jump out at James to scare him, especially when James was already so clearly on edge. Craig would never do that.</p><p>“Craig?” James called across the Pitch, starting forward.</p><p>His steps were silent, muffled against the sand. The loose ground made it somewhat difficult to walk, so he moved slowly, eyes panning across the arena. He looked over the stands, towards the commentator's box, then down at the Pitch itself. His mind lagged as his eyes found Craig, wondering stupidly why a pile of clothes had been left in the sand.</p><p>The closer James got, the more the clothes gained shape and substance. James recognized the green and silver tie, the cloak with the Slytherin crest. He recognized the black hair and the face. That’s when he stopped, a few feet away, and simply stared. Craig was lying lopsided, his legs straight and his arms bent at the elbows. His left arm was over his stomach, but his right arm was against the ground, his hand open and his wand lying just inches away from it. His head was turned to the side, facing James, and his eyes were open, but they were empty and waxy. Craig’s face was pale. There was dirt on his cheek; sand in his hair.</p><p>James fell to his knees as the strength bled from his body, but his mind still seemed to be struggling to catch up to the rest of him. His eyes were seeing, but he couldn’t understand. Then he did, and his mouth opened. He made a sound that was barely more than a choke, and his hands became numb. James knew what he was seeing. He knew what this was. He couldn’t breathe.</p><p>He was on his hands soon, not breathing as he crawled the rest of the way to Craig’s body, his left hand trembling as he grabbed onto Craig’s right. With his other hand he felt the Slytherin’s cheek. His face was a little warm, but he was still, and his skin was taut.</p><p>Dead.</p><p>“Craig,” James’ voice was soft, holding the side of Craig’s face as he shook. “Hey… this isn’t…” Craig’s body blurred as tears filled James’ eyes, cutting down his face in hot trails. “You said you’d be okay. You said…”</p><p>James knelt there beside Craig for a long time, but only a single tear from each eye fell. He didn’t wipe them away, letting them dry on his face until he could see clearly again. He reached out to shut Craig’s eyes, his breath hitching as he did so. Then he picked up Craig’s wand, shaking as he tucked an arm around Craig’s shoulders, hooking his right arm behind his knees and lifting him up.</p><p>He couldn’t just leave Craig there. He couldn’t. So he carried him away from the Pitch and towards the castle. Even when his arms started to ache and he stumbled, he kept moving. He dragged his feet, staring ahead but not seeing. He could only imagine what everyone was thinking when they saw him. James Sirius Potter carrying Craig Bowker Jr’s body into the courtyard.</p><p>James vaguely remembered hearing someone scream. He didn’t know who’d screamed though. Adults were running towards him an instant later, with Harry at the forefront, eyes wide in horror. James stopped walking to let the Professor’s and Harry come to him. He swore they were asking questions, but James could only stare at Harry.</p><p>A million different emotions suddenly filled him. Notably anger and fear. He stared at his father, not hearing a word from his mouth.</p><p>“Albus,” he croaked out, and Harry looked like he might pass out.</p><p>James was on his knees again, lying Craig on the ground, clinging to him. Questions came at him from all sides, Madam Pomfrey was speaking in a comforting voice, a hand on his shoulder. They were trying to get him to move away from Craig, but James had no strength to move.</p><p>It took both Harry and Neville to get James to move away finally. Harry was holding James by his arms as Neville pried his hands away from Craig. Then his father physically lifted him to his feet, pulling him away from the Slytherin. More questions, but James answered them without hearing anything.</p><p>“Albus is gone.”</p><p>“I found Craig on the Pitch.”</p><p>“I don’t know where they are.”</p><p>Harry was obviously frustrated and upset with the entire situation, calling orders and such as the Professors did what they could to keep the other students from seeing Craig.</p><p>James heard someone yell, “Why did you bring him here,” and felt like he might throw up.</p><p>He met Harry’s eye. “I couldn’t just leave him,” he whispered.</p><p>Harry squeezed his shoulder. “You did fine, James. We’re going to find Albus, alright? Everything is going to be fine.”</p><p>He hurried away after that. James watched someone drape a cloak over Craig so no one would have to see his body. Pain surged in James’ chest, and he nearly collapsed when he felt someone take his hand. Looking to the left, he saw Lily standing close, holding his hand and hugging his arm.</p><p>“He’ll be okay,” she said softly, looking up at James. “Al’s super stubborn. Whoever did this, they won’t get Al too.”</p><p>James took Lily’s words to heart, shoving down the pain that was starting to take over and focusing his complete attention on worrying about Albus. He insisted he wanted to help find him, but Harry just scolded him and told him he was going to stay right where he was. They yelled at each other, but honestly James didn’t remember most of the argument.</p><p>He remembered screaming that he needed to help, that he needed to make sure Albus was safe, needed to be useful. Harry yelled back that he was not going to lose James along with his brother, then ordered him to take care of his sister and stop being selfish.</p><p>Selfish. That’s what he was being? His boyfriend was dead and his little brother could be too for all they knew, and he was selfish for wanting to find him?</p><p>James felt like he was coming unhinged.</p><p>He managed to keep himself together by putting Craig at the very back of his head, focusing all his thoughts on Albus. He didn’t sleep. No one in the family slept. That night they all gathered in front of the fireplace in the common room. He, Lily, Roxanne, Fred, Louis, Hugo and Rose. They stayed awake the entire night. They cuddled together and talked quietly about Albus. Fred mentioned Craig once, but Roxanne shushed him so harshly he shut his mouth for a good fifteen minutes.</p><p>Roxanne knew, after all. So did Louis. They were the only ones who knew, because they’d been there when Craig asked James out. They’d been supporting James for the past year that he and Craig had been going out. They understood.</p><p>Scorpius and Albus were home the day after Halloween. They both looked exhausted, huddled together at the very end of the Slytherin table at breakfast, but they weren’t hurt. They were alive, and seeing Albus sitting there made James stumble over his feet. The relief was unbelievable, and with the joy came everything else he’d been ignoring.</p><p>After James confirmed Albus was alive with his own eyes, there was nothing else to distract him. He didn’t eat breakfast. Instead he slipped away in the crowd of students coming into the Great Hall, going to the girl’s bathroom on the second floor where no one would run into him and locking himself in the furthest stall. He slid to the floor and started to cry, and not even Moaning Myrtle came to interrupt him.</p><p>She probably knew he was there, but she stayed in her own stall while James sobbed. He cried in relief that Albus wasn’t dead, and cried in mourning because Craig <em>was.</em> He missed a number of classes because every time he tried to stand up, another wave of anguish brought him back down. Louis found him before dinner, and James was grateful he was alone. He didn’t want Fred to see him like this. He certainly didn’t want Lily or Albus seeing him like this.</p><p>“After Al disappeared like he did, you disappearing like this made people talk,” Louis was saying as James stood at the sink, splashing water onto his face to wash the tears and snot away. “It took Rox and I a while to get everyone to shut up.”</p><p>“What did you say?” James asked. His voice was weak after crying nearly the entire day.</p><p>“We spread around that you were doing an exclusive assignment and had permission to miss classes. No one questioned it.” Louis rubbed his neck. “The perks of being Harry Potter’s son I suppose.” He looked at James. “Rox and I figured you needed some time to be alone.”</p><p>James closed his eyes, shutting off the faucet and drying his face with the sleeve of his robe. He leaned his hands against the edges of the sink, staring down. “How are Al and Scorpius?”</p><p>“Still around,” Louis replied. “They’re fine, Jamie. To be honest they look a lot better than you do right now.”</p><p>James lifted a hand to his face, rubbing his eyes, gripping the edge of the sink with his other hand. “I’m fine, Lou.”</p><p>Louis was quiet for a moment, until James heard him push off the wall and step closer. A hand was on his shoulder next, squeezing it and tugging on James to turn him. James kept a hand on his face as he followed, dropping it only so he could hide his face against Louis’ shoulder. His cousin hugged him tightly, rubbing a hand up and down his back.</p><p>“Come on, you need to eat something.”</p><p>“I just want to go to bed. I’m tired.”</p><p>“After you eat something.” Louis pulled away, clinging to James’ shoulders. “Even if it’s just an apple."</p><p>James rubbed both hands over his face, taking a breath and looking at Louis. “How do I look?”</p><p>Louis pressed his lips together firmly. “I don’t think anyone will notice if you keep your head down,” he said, and James sighed.</p><p>He barely had an appetite, sitting between Louis and Roxanne at the Gryffindor table. He got the feeling they were trying to keep people from bothering him, and he certainly appreciated it. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He felt that if he did, he would just end up choking on another sob.</p><p>James tried to eat, picking at his food with his fork. He managed to get down a few single peas that he ate one by one, and a few scalloped potatoes, but he couldn’t seem to stomach more than that.</p><p>More than once he lifted his eyes to look towards the Slytherin table, as if a part of him hoped Craig would be sitting there. He needed it, to see those eyes roll in faux annoyance. Eyes so dark they reminded James of the night sky, glittering with stars. It wasn’t going to happen though. James would never get to connect the constellations in Craig’s eyes ever again.</p><p>He nearly dropped his fork. As it was, his hand shook hard as he set his fork on the table beside his plate. James needed to think of something else. He decided to count the peas still on his plate. When he was done with that, he counted the potatoes, then the carrots. He was so focused on his self given task that he nearly jumped when the plate disappeared.</p><p>James lifted his head, startled to find there was almost no one left in the hall. The Ravenclaw table was completely empty. There were only three Hufflepuff’s still at their table, and a small handful of Slytherin’s. Roxanne and Louis were still sitting on either side of him, and there was a small group of Gryffindor’s at the far end of the table, but everyone else was gone.</p><p>He sighed, dropping his head again and folding his arms over the table.</p><p>“You ate something,” Roxanne praised. “That’s good.”</p><p>“If you get hungry later tonight, I have some snacks in my trunk,” Louis offered, and James shook his head.</p><p>“I’ll be fine.”</p><p>“It’s getting late,” Roxanne said. “We should get to the common room.”</p><p>James was holding his breath, letting it out in a soft sigh. “Give me a minute, I just… want to sit here for a minute.”</p><p>“Sure,” Roxanne agreed softly, rubbing James’ back and standing up.</p><p>“We’ll wait up for you,” Louis said as he stood, setting a hand on James’ shoulder. “Don’t be too long.”</p><p>“You don’t have to,” James said.</p><p>Louis didn’t answer, squeezing his shoulder and following Roxanne out of the hall. James watched them go before looking down again. He leaned against the table with his arms folded in front of him, staring at his hands. He sat there for a long time. At one point one of his house mates came up to talk to him, but James didn’t respond to them at all. In fact he didn’t even realize someone had approached him until they quipped about him being a prick before stomping away.</p><p>He sensed it when someone sat down next to him, lifting his eyes to observe that the hall had emptied of the other students. Filch would probably show up at any moment to nag James about getting to Gryffindor Tower already.</p><p>James knew Albus was the one who’d taken the seat beside him on the long bench, but he said nothing to James. James didn’t speak either. He continued to stare at his hands, trying to figure out if he should speak at all. He hadn’t expected Albus to approach him first, but it made James feel just that more inadequate. He should’ve been the one to approach Albus, not the other way around.</p><p>James was supposed to be there to catch Albus in the fallout, like Craig had told him. James had to say something. He didn’t want Albus to feel any more guilt than he already likely did.</p><p>“You don’t have to say anything,” James said, sensing the way Albus tensed up from beside him. “I’m glad you’re home.”</p><p>“Dad told me… you found Craig,” Albus said gently.</p><p>James felt like he was swallowing glass. “It wasn’t you,” he said, and he immediately regretted how stern his voice sounded. “That’s all that matters.” James held his breath again, and a voice was screaming in his head, but he ignored it as he bit back the agony of his next words. “What happened to Craig wasn’t your fault, Al. I’m sure dad has already told you that.”</p><p>“It happened because he was looking for Scorp and I,” Albus said. “He was trying to help us.”</p><p>James considered what to say next before speaking. “Craig was a good guy who wanted to do what he could to get you and Scorpius back safe.” He paused, swallowing down his nerves. “He wouldn’t regret what happened, and he would be happy you were safe. He wanted to be a Prefect you know, and Prefects are supposed to take care of their housemates. That’s what he did, and you shouldn't blame yourself for something he chose to do out of the goodness of his heart and his own ambition. He wouldn’t regret a thing.”</p><p>Albus didn’t respond, and James didn’t want the conversation to drag any longer than it had to. He was tired. He stood up and stepped over the bench, walking behind Albus but stopping. James reached out to put a hand on Albus’ shoulder, ducking down to press a kiss on the top of Albus’ head. Like he used to do all the time when Albus was much younger.</p><p>“I’m happy you’re not dead,” he said, stepping away. “Go get some rest. Maybe make the decision to not give your entire family a heart attack like that again. Okay?” He tugged on a lock of Albus’ hair, then pushed his hands into his pockets and left the Great Hall.</p><p>His mind was spinning as he managed to escape the memory of crying and pretending he was alright. He was still sitting in the pew beside Albus, listening but not listening to the speaker at the front of the chapel. Over the past few weeks between Craig’s death and his funeral, James had made the decision to keep the relationship he’d had with the Slytherin a secret.</p><p>He didn’t want Albus to feel any worse than he already did about the other boy’s death. Roxanne and Louis had hesitantly agreed not to mention it to anyone, and that seemed to be the end of it. James kept it inside, tried not to think about it. He tried to simply be there for his brother through the difficult time he was facing, while simultaneously pretending he wasn’t also losing his mind.</p><p>His heart felt broken and it took everything not to cry about it in front of Albus. Or to blame Albus. Part of him did, and it made him so ashamed and disgusted in himself, that even a small part of him would ever dare to think it was Albus’ fault. James wanted to scream at Albus, to blame him, because that was the easiest thing to do. James wanted to shove the blame onto Albus and Scorpius so he could focus his anger on someone else. That way he didn’t have to deal with it beyond hatred. He couldn’t do that, though.</p><p>There were at least two times in the past few weeks that James contemplated whether he would trade Albus or Scorpius to take Craig’s place. Each time he would fill with so much disgust and anger that he screamed. How could he think such a thing? He could never do it. He would never trade his brother for someone he’d only dated for a year. James loved Albus, he would rather die than lose him too.</p><p>In the end, instead of blaming Albus or Scorpius, James simply decided to blame himself. It was easy to do, because there was plenty that James already hated himself for. Adding his boyfriend’s death to the list just seemed like the most natural thing to do.</p><p>It was his fault, wasn’t it? James never supported Albus, never looked after him at school. That’s why Albus felt so alienated and isolated. James never tried very hard to keep the peace between Harry and Albus when they got into a row. He simply sighed and shook his head before leaving the room. When he heard them yelling before school, when Harry said he wished Albus wasn’t his son, James did nothing to counter it. He could have grabbed Albus and insisted their father didn’t mean it, promising that even if Harry meant it, James still wanted Albus to be in their family. James didn’t.</p><p>James was never there, so Albus had no one to fall back to when things got bad. He had Scorpius, fine, but he also needed family, because that’s what he felt isolated from. Albus felt out of place in his own family, so it would have taken his family, it would have taken his older brother, to convince him he was being silly. Of course they all loved and accepted him. Of course they all liked him and enjoyed his company. Harry was just impulsive, just like Albus was. They were more alike than they thought, and that was why they clashed.</p><p>All the things James didn’t do, because he didn’t want to bother, were why Albus ran away. James just wasn’t a good enough brother in the end.</p><p>James should have been a better brother. He should have supported Albus from the beginning no matter what. He should have gone with Craig to look for Albus instead of letting him go alone. Albus was <em>his</em> brother, not Craig’s. It was <em>James’</em> responsibility, not Craig’s. <em>James</em> should have been the one to die trying to protect Albus and Scorpius. <em>Not</em> Craig.</p><p>It was selfish though, wasn’t it? That’s what Harry said before. Putting all the blame on himself, saying everything was his fault, was selfish of James. This wasn’t about him. It was about Albus and Scorpius. It was about Craig. James wasn’t important, but that’s why it should have been him rather than his boyfriend. Craig had so much ambition, so much life to live, and what did James have? He wasn’t even a good brother, and if he’d been the one who’d died, no one would be this heartbroken.</p><p>Albus had Lily. He had Scorpius. He had Teddy. Teddy was a much better older brother to Albus than James ever was. Scorpius and Lily adored Albus like James never did. James didn’t even know what he was supposed to do after Hogwarts. He’d probably just end up some bum still living in his parents house. A waste of space. A disappointment.</p><p>Meanwhile Craig would always talk about joining the Ministry, wanting to help the relationship between the Wizarding and Muggle worlds stay as steady as possible.</p><p>James overheard Harry and Albus talking before, saying that Delphini claimed she’d killed a spare, but she hadn’t. Craig was one of a kind. If anyone was a spare, it was James. There were three Potter’s. Losing one would have been no loss at all.</p><p>When the ceremony ended, Albus and Scorpius both stood to leave. James immediately noted the look on Albus’ face, moving to stand up and follow, but Harry put a hand on his shoulder to keep him sitting.</p><p>He leaned in to whisper to James. “I’ll talk to him.”</p><p>James wanted to argue, insist he wanted to be the one to talk to Albus. Instead he nodded, settling back against the pew and watching people file towards the exit. He waited until the chapel was mostly empty before getting to his feet, shuffling out into the aisle and staring at the altar.</p><p>There was a large wreath of flowers sitting there on a stand, and a portrait of Craig was nestled in the middle. James felt his heart jerk in his chest, ducking his head and turning away. They only dated for a year, yet it still hurt this much? When would it stop?</p><p>“James Potter.”</p><p>James froze, looking back towards the altar. A young man was stepping into the aisle from the front pew. He looked a little like Craig, but older. James immediately guessed it was his brother, and he felt panic rush through him. He didn’t know if he’d be able to talk to Craig’s family, especially not his brother. He didn’t move though. He stood frozen in place as the man came closer.</p><p>“You know me?” He questioned, and the man hummed, pausing in front of James with his hands in his pockets.</p><p>“Craig talked about you,” he said, and James immediately felt flustered.</p><p>He looked towards the exit, but no one still inside seemed to be paying attention, so James looked anxiously back at the man. “You’re… his brother?”</p><p>“Ethan.” He held his hand out.</p><p>James hesitated before reaching out to shake his hand. “How does that work?” He asked, attempting humor. “You’re the oldest but he was Craig Junior?”</p><p>“My mum named me,” Ethan said, releasing James’ hand. “My dad named my brother.”</p><p>“Ah. So she got to pick the name first then?”</p><p>“My father wasn’t very creative.” There was a tight smile on Ethan’s face, but it faded quickly. He looked tired and his eyes were red. James could probably guess how much he’d been crying. “The Headmistress of that school of yours… she said you were the one who found my brother.”</p><p>James could have thrown up from the way his stomach started flipping. “I did,” he said weakly, and Ethan pressed his lips together.</p><p>“My parents probably would never ask, but I needed to. I just need to know. Did he… Craig I mean, did he…”</p><p>James stared at Ethan for a moment before relaxing slowly. “He looked peaceful,” he said, and Ethan winced. “That’s what you were wondering, right?” Ethan nodded, and James smiled weakly as he bowed his head to look at the ground. “I’d worry about the same thing. He was killed with a curse. It was quick. He didn’t feel a thing. It was just like falling asleep.”</p><p>Ethan took a shaky breath, nodding his head sharply. “Just, if he had suffered, I—”</p><p>“He didn’t. I promise.” They stood awkwardly for a moment before James cleared his throat. “He… mentioned you a few times.”</p><p>“Did he?”</p><p>“Yeah,” James smiled. “Said you were an absolute pain.”</p><p>Ethan laughed, and it gave James a sense of satisfaction despite the situation. “Sounds like Craig. He talked about you too.”</p><p>“All good things I hope.”</p><p>“Well,” Ethan eyed James. “He always said there was this one prick from the lion house. Forgot its name, sorry. He said this guy was a year older and didn’t know what rules were.”</p><p>“That’s not true at all,” James argued. “It’s hard to break the rules if you don’t know what they are.”</p><p>Ethan snorted. “Well, he also admitted this guy wasn’t that bad once you got to know him. Craig, to be honest, started talking about this guy with more fond exasperation than irritated spite.” James felt something tight lodge in his throat. “He liked you. A lot.”</p><p>James looked away, hoping Ethan wouldn’t see how glassy his eyes were. He reached into his coat, finding the wand hidden in his pocket and pulling it out, presenting it to Ethan. The older man looked puzzled for a moment, before James explained.</p><p>“They never asked for it after I brought Craig to the castle.” Ethan’s face contorted. “It was next to his hand. He was reaching for it when he died. He was protecting my brother, and I will never be able to thank him for his sacrifice.” Ethan reached out, but he didn’t touch the wand. James continued softly. “He shouldn’t have died, and I am so sorry.”</p><p>Ethan took the wand finally, holding it in both hands and turning it around. “I can’t use this,” he admitted wistfully.</p><p>“No, but… I have a… friend. His parents both died in the war when he was a baby. He keeps their wands on display in his room. Says it makes him feel close to them. I just thought… maybe Craig’s family would appreciate having a piece of him.” James turned to face Ethan. “Our wands choose us. That wand was a part of Craig. It’s special. Maybe you can’t use it, but you can keep it in his memory. You can honor him by looking after it.”</p><p>Ethan nodded. “So, what, you were just carrying it around with you?”</p><p>James felt like an idiot when Ethan asked that, staring at the wand in his hands. “I guess I missed him,” he said stupidly, not looking away from the wand. “Having it with me made me feel… better.”</p><p>It was silent between them for a moment, before Ethan spoke. “You would find more use from this than me,” he admitted, holding the wand back out. “You should keep it.”</p><p>James shook his head. “Craig would want you to have it,” he argued, finally meeting Ethan’s eye with a crooked smile. “He was your brother, not mine. I know how it feels. I almost lost my brother, and if I had, I… I don’t know what I would have done. We don’t get along that great, but he’s still my brother, and I love him. He could have died. Craig died helping him, because he knew… he knew how much Al meant to me.” James felt like he was about to start crying again, and something in Ethan’s eyes told James he knew exactly why. “H-he told you, didn’t he?”</p><p>“Our parents don’t know,” Ethan said gently, and James shut his eyes.</p><p>“Mine don’t either.”</p><p>“Keep his wand, James.”</p><p>James laughed, opening his eyes. “I have my memories. I have pictures on my phone. You need that more than I do.”</p><p>Ethan looked sad. “If you need anything at all…”</p><p>“I—” James hesitated, but Ethan looked hopeful. “Don’t tell my brother. He doesn’t know about this either, and he already feels so horrible. It would make him feel a million times worse if he knew about me, and I know that’s so selfish, especially considering Craig was your brother, but I—”</p><p>“I get it. You gotta protect him.” James relaxed, nodding slowly, and Ethan continued. “Look, I definitely do understand why you’re keeping this to yourself, I’d do the same thing to look after my younger sibling, but… dealing with loss on your own, especially considering how close you were, it isn’t fun. Or easy. Just… if you need to talk to someone who understands, write to me. Or text Craig’s phone, I’ll answer. You can’t do this all by yourself.”</p><p>James felt tired. “Why bother?”</p><p>“You were important to Craig,” Ethan explained. “He’d never forgive me if I didn’t try to help you through this.”</p><p>James considered that before snorting. “Yeah, he wouldn’t would he? Probably wouldn’t forgive me either.”</p><p>Ethan smiled, looking over James’ head when he heard someone walk back into the chapel.</p><p>“James, mum and dad said they’re gonna see us back to school.” James turned to look at the exit where Albus was standing just inside the door.</p><p>“Right, gimme a minute,” James called, looking back at Ethan with a crooked smile. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Anytime,” Ethan nodded. “Remember what I said. Write to me whenever.”</p><p>“Sure.” James backed up, nodding to show he understood before turning away and jogging up to Albus.</p><p>“Who was he?” Albus asked as they hiked down the steps of the chapel, and James hummed.</p><p>“Craig’s brother.”</p><p>“Brother?” Albus sounded uneasy. “Why was he talking to you?”</p><p>James contemplated that for a moment before humming. “We were exchanging stories,” he explained and Albus scoffed.</p><p>“What stories?”</p><p>“Well Ethan and I have a lot in common, you see,” James grinned at Albus. “We both have foolish younger brother’s in Slytherin who are too ambitious for their own good.”</p><p>Albus frowned at that and James turned away. “You shouldn’t speak ill of the dead like that.”</p><p>“Ah Craig wouldn’t mind,” James promised, and Albus scoffed.</p><p>“Yeah how would you know?”</p><p>“I know everything, Al.” James hurried ahead of Albus before he could ask anything else.</p><p>Although they hadn’t talked for very long, actually discussing what had happened with Ethan did make James feel a bit better. It reminded him that talking, opening up, trusting people with your traumas, did in fact make things easier to get through. James didn’t want to burden anyone with his problems though. Especially not when Albus was dealing with something so much worse.</p><p>The relief that came from talking to Ethan disappeared by dinner time, and James was back to feeling like a shell of what he was supposed to be.</p><p>Ethan wrote to him more than once. Everyone always gave James puzzled looks when the letter was dropped in front of him at breakfast. People jabbed him and asked him who his new girlfriend was, but he just told them to shut up. He would read the letters before promptly burning them, because he didn’t want Albus to find out. James never responded to the letters.</p><p>He knew Ethan told him he could, and clearly he was trying his best to support James because of their mutual love for Craig, but James couldn’t seem to justify it. He couldn’t justify getting comfort from the older brother of his dead boyfriend.</p><p>Louis and Roxanne were the first people who knew James wasn’t himself, because they were the ones who knew he was still in mourning over Craig. They did their best to support James silently, but it didn’t help much.</p><p>Every time Louis or Roxanne would ask how he was doing, he would smile and say the same thing. “Doing great at this current moment, why do you ask?”</p><p>It seemed like the best thing to say, because it was an open ended, ambiguous response.<em> “I’m not perfect but right now I’m satisfied.”</em> It was also a lie, but what were they going to do about it?</p><p>Christmas was a hollow, stale celebration at the Burrow. He didn’t care about any of the gifts he received. That was probably the first sign to his family that something was off. In the past he would enthusiastically thank his family for the Christmas gifts, whether they were socks or expensive indulgences. That year he had no energy, and the entire Burrow seemed a little less alive because of it.</p><p>Even Albus looked puzzled and worried. Louis and Roxanne kept their heads down, glancing at each other awkwardly now and then. James could see in their eyes that they were struggling not to say anything. They were worried about him, but they’d made a promise, and James felt like he may truly shatter if they broke their promise. If he could trust anyone, it had to be them.</p><p>That Christmas, none of the adults reached out to him. They probably didn’t know how, but that was perfectly fine in his opinion. That’s how James wanted it to be. Instead his parents, uncles, aunts and grandparents doted a bit on Albus, and it made James swell with pride.</p><p>Albus needed it. He needed to know how much his family loved him. It definitely made Albus feel a little awkward to be showered in the affection, but he would get used to it. The only time James caught himself smiling was when he saw Hermione nagging Albus about his hair, or when Bill gave Albus a hug (Bill gave the best hugs). He smiled when he saw his enormous family paying attention and trying to understand his beloved brother.</p><p>Albus, to his credit, slipped away from the attention the first moment he could so he could join Scorpius alone at the fireplace. James knew he wasn’t used to attention, he probably hated it, and James thought maybe he should help him, but as usual he didn’t know how.</p><p>It was Teddy who approached James in the end, which didn’t surprise him in the slightest. Teddy was always the first one to talk to James when he seemed off, but James had never been this off before. If it was bad enough that his family was starting to notice, then James knew he was about to get an earful when Teddy sat down next to him on the couch.</p><p>“What are you reading?” Teddy asked, and James could have sighed.</p><p>Instead he closed the book to show Teddy the cover. “It’s a biography of one of the most famous Quidditch Chaser’s who ever played in the league,” he said. “Uncle Ron got it for me.”</p><p>“Cool.”</p><p>“Yup, really cool,” James muttered, putting the book on his lap. “So are you here to bug me?”</p><p>“I just wanted to sit with you,” Teddy defended. “We haven’t gotten to talk much today.”</p><p>“Been a busy one,” James hummed, staring at the cover of his book. “How have you been? How’s work?”</p><p>“It’s good,” Teddy answered.</p><p>James flicked at the corners of the book pages. “How are things with Vic?”</p><p>“Less good.” James lifted his head to give Teddy a startled look, and James smiled. “There, I told you something. Your turn.”</p><p>“Wait, what happened? Weren’t things okay?”</p><p>Teddy seemed to debate that, his head tilted. He was watching James closely, his hair a deep turquoise color rather than it’s usual sky blue. His eyes were dark, and James wanted to punch himself in the mouth for thinking they looked like Craig’s eyes.</p><p>“I guess I wasn’t home as much as she wanted,” Teddy confessed, and James could see hurt rooted deep in his eyes. “We broke up.”</p><p>James scrunched his face up. “What did she do?”</p><p>“What makes you think she did something?”</p><p>“You’re too nice to have done anything,” James argued, and Teddy snorted.</p><p>“Don’t worry about what happened, Jamie. So what’s going on with you?”</p><p>“I’m just reading this book,” James said, motioning to the book on his lap.</p><p>“I can see that, but I meant in general.” Teddy was facing him, his right arm stretched over the back of the couch behind James, who only spared him a glance before glaring over at where Roxanne was helping Lucy put together a new toy.</p><p>“Did Rox or Lou ask you to talk to me?” James asked bitterly, and Teddy was quiet for a moment before answering.</p><p>“I wasn’t aware they knew what was up with you, but thanks for telling me.” James flinched and Teddy leaned closer. “You know you can always talk to me,” he said softly, and James felt emotion lodge in his throat.</p><p>He did know that. Out of everyone in his life, Teddy was the person James could, and would, always be able to talk to. Teddy knew almost everything there was to know about James, because James was always the one to wear his heart on his sleeve around Teddy. He trusted Teddy, and he wanted to tell him what was happening. James wanted to tell Teddy about all the stupid shit filling his head, but should he?</p><p>Honestly how would he even start that conversation? <em>“Hey I know you just broke up with your girlfriend of five years but sit back while I tell you the tale of how I let my boyfriend get murdered. Also I’m gay, don’t tell my dad.”</em></p><p>Yeah, probably not.</p><p>“There’s nothing to talk about,” James said finally, and he could feel Teddy’s eyes drilling holes into the side of his head. James sighed. “Look I’m just worried about Al.” He glanced across the room to where Albus was sitting with Scorpius and Rose, playing a card game.</p><p>It didn’t seem like anyone else had heard him over the music playing from the radio and the chatter between his family. When James looked back at Teddy, he could see the older man didn’t quite believe him. He had an uneasy expression on his face as he watched James, like he was searching for weakness or a tell to what James was thinking. Immediately James worried Teddy would use a legilimency spell on him, so he squinted his eyes and tried to think of anything but Craig.</p><p>
  <em> Clouds are white, sky is blue, papaya is a stupid name for a fruit, the other day Louis said he had snacks in his trunk but dehydrated banana chips aren’t a snack they’re an abomination what the fuck. </em>
</p><p>“Why are you making that face?” Teddy asked, and James met his eye.</p><p>“I’m thinking about how banana chips taste like banana flavored chalk powder.”</p><p>Teddy frowned, the wheels seemed to be turning in his head, and he seemed to move closer to James so no one could hear their conversation. “She cheated on me.” James’ eyes popped open wider in shock. “I came home from work and she was in bed with some man I’d never met before; and another woman.”</p><p>“What— Merlin, I can’t—” James felt a burn on his skin. “Why would she do that to you? It’s fucking disgusting, I can’t believe this. Why would she do that? To you of all people? To anyone?”</p><p>“I’m fine, Jamie. We were drifting apart anyway.”</p><p>“No, I can’t believe this.” James grit his teeth, hands curling into fists. “That bitch.”</p><p>“Whoa, hey.” Teddy reached out to take James by the shoulders, pulling him closer. “Don’t talk about your cousin like that.”</p><p>“That bitch isn’t my cousin,” James snarled, and Teddy’s eyes widened. “I don’t want to be related to someone who would willingly hurt the person they’re supposed to love. She made the choice to go out with you, and that means she was supposed to protect you, but she just hurt you, and—”</p><p>James felt like he was hyperventilating, trembling, and Teddy squeezed his shoulders firmly.</p><p>“I played a part in what happened too. We’re both responsible. I think I must have made her feel lonely because I was so busy all the time. It’s not her fault she wanted something more. Now listen to me, don’t call her a bitch.”</p><p>“But she hurt you,” James’ voice shook from the strength it took not to scream, and Teddy sighed.</p><p>“I hurt her too. You should be angrier at me.”</p><p>“You’re not the one who cheated on your boyfriend,” James snarled, and Teddy shook his head.</p><p>“Maybe not, but I didn’t help either.” James just jerked his head to glare at the ground, grinding his teeth together as Teddy squeezed his shoulders again. “I want you to keep this to yourself, okay? It would just upset everyone.”</p><p>“But it’s fine if it upsets me?” James demanded, and Teddy tilted his head. James felt something stab into his heart from it.</p><p>“I told you because I know I can trust you, Jamie. I know talking about things that hurt with people you trust will make it easier to come to terms with.” James winced and Teddy moved a hand to pinch his cheek with a slight smile. “Talk to me, James. I want to help you.”</p><p>James pressed his lips into a tight line and looked down. “I’m not what’s important, Ted.”</p><p>“What on earth are you on about?”</p><p>“You should be talking to Al, not me. He’s the one who got kidnapped, the one who watched his housemate d-die.” James winced and stuttered through the last word, and Teddy furrowed his brow.</p><p>“And <em>you</em> were the one who found that boy’s body and carried it back to the castle,” Teddy said, and James held his breath, tensing up. “This situation isn’t about who’s hurting the most, or who went through worse. Your traumas are just as valid as Al’s, and you have every right to be in pain. You’re allowed to talk about it.”</p><p>James kept his eyes down, glancing towards the fireplace. Albus was staring intensely at his hand of cards, eyes narrowed. Scorpius was smiling in visible excitement. Rose was nagging at Albus to hurry up. He looked okay, but James still wasn’t sure. He wanted to talk, he realized. He wanted to tell Teddy what happened, and about his connection to Craig. Albus could potentially hear, though.</p><p>James took a breath and swayed forward, dropping his head against Teddy’s shoulder. Teddy tensed up, wrapping an arm around James.</p><p>“Albus can’t know,” James whispered as quietly as he could, and Teddy cupped the back of his head with his hand.</p><p>“What are you talking about?”</p><p>“He already feels horrible, Ted. If he knew… it would be so much worse for him.”</p><p>“So you’re keeping it to yourself to protect him,” Teddy mumbled, rubbing a hand up and down James’ back. James nodded against his shoulder. “Tell me.”</p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>“You’re not.”</p><p>James pulled out of Teddy’s embrace, turning away. “I will be.”</p><p>“Maybe if you talk to someone. I won’t force you to talk to me, but you have to talk to <em>someone.”</em></p><p>James sighed, lifting a hand to rub his eyes. “Teddy—”</p><p>“James, an owl just came for you,” Ginny was holding a parcel as she stepped into the living room, smiling. “There’s no return, just your name.”</p><p>James reached out to take the parcel, turning it over a few times before looking at his name scrawled on the front. By now he recognized the handwriting. He let out a sigh. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Are you gonna open it?” Hugo asked, leaning over the back of the couch, and James reached up to push at his face.</p><p>“Not with you leering down at me, Hu.”</p><p>“You gonna open it in the closet or something?” Albus asked, putting his cards down. </p><p>Rose gasped, throwing her hand down. “Albus, you bastard!”</p><p>“Should’ve called his bluff,” Scorpius chided.</p><p>James stood up. “You know maybe I should,” he said, holding the parcel above his head to keep it away from Hugo. “Thank you, mum.”</p><p>He didn’t look at Teddy as he left the room, slipping into the bathroom and flipping the lock before turning, tearing at the paper and lifting out the small notecard first. It was a short note written by Ethan that had James’ heart aching.</p><p>
  <em> “I found this with Craig’s things and thought you would like to have it. He had it under his pillow, so I figured it was very important to him. Happy Christmas. Ethan.” </em>
</p><p>James dropped the card and unwrapped the parcel, lifting up the picture within. It was a moving polaroid small enough to fit in his pocket, tucked into a hard acrylic case like someone would use for a baseball card. James remembered when they’d taken the photo, just a few months prior during one of their summer dates.</p><p>Craig and James were close together, their cheeks pressed together. James was wearing a large grin, and Craig had a smirk on his face. James was laughing, pulling away and turning to press a kiss onto Craig’s cheek. Craig pinched his eyes closed, his smirk growing into a grin as his face went red. They looked happy together. So happy.</p><p>James was grateful that Craig had put the picture in the thin case to protect it, because otherwise his tears would have just destroyed it. Craig had taken this photo himself, developing it exclusively so it would move and show how delicate, how special that moment between them had been. He’d hidden it beneath his pillow, and Ethan had chosen to send it to James.</p><p>It hurt. James shuffled over to the wall and leaned against it, sliding to sit on the floor as tears rolled down his face. It was a beautiful picture, but James hated Ethan for sending it to him. Sitting on the bathroom floor on Christmas, crying his eyes out and trying not to make a noise, James started to wonder if Ethan even cared. James started to think that maybe Ethan was sending him all of this just to hurt him, to ensure he would never forget Craig. Maybe Ethan blamed James, and <em>wanted</em> him to hurt.</p><p>If that was the case, he’d succeeded. James hurt an immeasurable amount; and he wanted it to stop.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I Think I'm Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter warnings: overdose, suicide attempts (DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED BY THEMES OF DEPRESSION OR MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS/ATTEMPTS)</p>
<p>Chapter song: I Think I'm OKAY - Machine Gun Kelly ft. YUNGBLUD and Travis Barker</p>
<p>I think I'll write one more chapter for this fic before ending it, but I've had fun writing it. I was able to explore a few themes I wouldn't usually post, and at the same time I was able to get out a lot of negativity I'd been feeling. This fic has been very therapeutic to write (sorry james).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>James barely survived the rest of the school year. He stopped helping Fred and Hugo with their pranks after the Christmas holiday, having lost interest in their chaos. Instead he chose to isolate himself in the library for the majority of his free time. He studied and read books one after the other just to keep himself busy and distracted. If his brain was occupied, then he wouldn’t have to think about Craig, or about the picture he’d started to carry in the inner pocket of his cloak.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ethan continued to send him letters, but James had stopped opening them. He just tossed them into the fire when he walked into the common room. Teddy also sent letters, but James couldn’t seem to throw those away. He still never responded, but he did read Teddy’s letters. Then he would keep them, tucking them underneath his mattress so no one would find them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were times when James was able to forget everything to the point where he almost felt like himself again. Those were the times when he was talking to his friends and his cousins, laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe. The times when he and Fred would embrace and wrestle each other down the hall like they always did, while Louis followed behind them with a brilliant smile on his face.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James could smile genuinely when he was high in the air on a broom, though he’d started to lose energy and motivation where Quidditch was involved. He liked flying, but the sport had lost its glamour. Though the times when Lily would fall onto the couch beside him with a textbook, begging him to help her study, those also made him happy; being able to help his sibling in some way.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then there were the times when he, his siblings, and his cousins would hike down to Hagrid’s hut for tea. James clung to the things he was confident were permanent, and tried not to think about the impermanence of life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were so many of them now that they didn’t all fit in Hagrid's hut, but that wasn’t a huge problem. They sat outside in the grass while their Care of Magical Creature’s Professor sat on the steps to his front door. They all cradled mugs of tea and laughed together. In addition to James and his cousins, Scorpius had joined them down at the hut, sitting under the sun and enjoying each other's company.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything was fine at first. James was laughing loudly with Fred and Hugo about their latest endeavor of putting a million balloons filled with helium on the Divination class ceiling. Then the conversation began to turn, and Fred started to ask Albus about Delphini Riddle and what had happened with her.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James started to feel uncomfortable, his heart racing a bit too quickly and his smile gone as he held his cup and stared into the tea. While Fred continued to ask questions, James tried to concentrate on the wobbly reflection in the surface of his tea. The bags under his eyes reminded him that he hadn’t slept much in the past few months. He still found himself skipping classes now and then to hide in the second floor bathroom to cry, but his grades had been skyrocketing so dramatically that none of the Professor’s called him out for it. It was remarkable he was doing well at all, because concentrating these days was a task on its own.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you guys went back in time to try and save that Diggory guy?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s what we said,” Albus said dully, and Scorpius quipped from beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It wasn’t worth it though. Him surviving meant none of you would have existed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fred looked sad. “Not even me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Scorpius tilted his head. “Sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bummer.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James lifted his cup to drink, just as an excuse to not talk. He hoped Fred would shut up, but he didn’t. They kept discussing Delphini and what had happened the first few months of school. James managed to keep himself sane enough to maintain a bored, casual expression. He tried to act as inconspicuous as possible. Then it got worse. James had never wanted to hit Fred before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah Merlin, do you remember?” Fred was saying. “He was such a boring guy! He was always ruining our fun, nagging at us in the middle of the hall. He had no sense of humor and no sense of fun.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fred,” Louis’ voice was low and held a note of warning, but Fred just waved him off.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know I’m right! Riling him up was the most fun we had with him. If he wasn’t getting all huffy he was just reading. I’m surprised you weren’t closer to him, Rosie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fred,” Roxanne said next, and she sounded more threatening than Louis had.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fred didn’t stop though, just laughed. “Man I miss him, right? Did you two know him? You were all in Slytherin.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A little,” Scorpius was the one to answer. “He was very no nonsense and took things really seriously, but that’s to be expected, isn’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you ever talk to him?” Hugo asked, trying to break a rock cake in half.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Once in a while,” Scorpius glanced at Albus, who met his eye before looking down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Scorpius talked to him more than me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Scorpius had a devious smile on his lips. “He offered to tutor Al a few times.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus went beet red and Hugo started to laugh as Rose hid her smile in her cup. “Don’t tell people that!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You said no?” Rose asked. “Shame, it would have done you some good to learn from Craig. He was a smart guy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I thought he was nice too, but I didn’t talk to him a lot,” Lily added. “He was sort of intimidating, but sometimes you caught him at the right time where he was smiling or being a little more than just a good student.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah but mostly he was just mister perfect,” Fred laughed. “James, you remember all those times he’d stop and just drag you? Bloody hell! He was always giving you shit!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was clinging to his cup, lifting his head and struggling to look as innocent as he could. “Uh-huh,” he managed to utter the boring noise, and Fred gaped at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s it? Shit, he cut you more than anyone else!” Fred looked around at everyone else. “It’s true! Probably because James was the king at just fucking shit up. What made you stop, mate? You could’ve really helped out with the great balloon prank!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been busy,” James said simply, looking down and turning his cup around in his hands. “Studying and stuff. Next year we take our NEWTs, so, you know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Since when do you care about that?” Fred asked, and James frowned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Our future’s are going to be based on how well we do on our NEWTs.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why do you care about your career?” Hugo piped. “You’re gonna be the greatest Quidditch Chaser in the League! You don’t have to worry so much about your NEWTs, your career is in the bag!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were a few more hums of agreement, but James could only stare into his cup. He didn’t know how to say he didn’t think he wanted to go into Quidditch after Hogwarts. Sure he was good at it, but the past few months his attention had been more focused on other things. Studying, crying, trying to figure out how to be a better brother, more crying, balancing a sleep schedule that was most definitely destroying his physical and mental health, trying to convince everyone around him that he was okay. Oh, and crying.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How did he go, anyway?” Fred asked, and James nearly fainted. “I didn’t really see him when James brought him to the castle.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bugger that’s gnarly,” Hugo said in a whisper. “Killing curse?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes,” Scorpius answered softly, and Albus talked over him. It almost seemed like he was trying to shield Scorpius from the questions.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Delphini used the Imperius Curse on Diggory, the Cruciatus Curse on Scorp, and the Killing Curse on Craig. That’s why she went to Azkaban.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“At least he didn’t suffer,” Rose said gently.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He saved both of us,” Albus said, and James shut his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did he?” Fred asked, and James winced. “I mean all he did was run up and get blasted.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fred!” Roxanne snapped at him, and Fred whined.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What? Think about it!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t have to!” Roxanne said, and Fred scoffed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What, were you secretly in love with him or something? Lay off!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What was the last thing he said?” Hugo asked, eyes wide, and Louis was the one to snap at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not an appropriate question.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What is up with you and Rox?” Fred asked. “Bloody hell, aren’t we obligated to know? Al’s our cousin! I wanna know what happened!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s not the point,” Louis said slowly, and Fred scoffed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just cuz you two don’t want to know what happened doesn’t mean the rest of us aren’t allowed to know. Right James?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James slowly lifted his head to look at Fred. “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Albus is your brother, if anyone has a right to know all the details, it’s you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James blanked, his mind completely frozen, until he managed to get his mouth open. “I don’t need to know what happened, Fred.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fred looked betrayed, like he was expecting James to side with him and couldn’t believe he hadn’t. James couldn’t believe Fred expected that from him at all. Sure his cousin could be really pushy and thoughtless sometimes, but if he really expected Albus to willingly talk about something like that, then there was something wrong with him. Fred kept going, asking questions about Craig and Delphini. James glanced over at Albus, just to check his expression. He looked as excited as James had expected. Scorpius looked even worse off, and James could hear his heart pounding in his chest, booming in his ears.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on Al, just tell us something. You owe us for scaring the hell out of us before.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fred, just shut up!” James yelled, slamming his cup onto the ground. It cracked up the side, but James didn’t care.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone, including Albus, was staring at him with owlishly wide eyes, in complete shock. All accept Louis and Roxanne, who had their heads bowed. Roxanne had a hand over her eyes, and Louis had his hands folded in front of his lips. James didn’t give a shit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Fred opened his mouth after a moment, but James didn’t give him a chance to speak. “I don’t care if we’re family, I don’t care if all of us were scared shitless thinking he was gonna fucking die, you have absolutely </span>
  <em>
    <span>no right</span>
  </em>
  <span> to </span>
  <em>
    <span>demand </span>
  </em>
  <span>Albus tell us what happened! You </span>
  <em>
    <span>cannot </span>
  </em>
  <span>force someone to talk about trauma! Do you have any idea how terrifying it must have been? No! Because you weren’t there!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You weren’t there either!” Fred argued, but he sounded unsteady and completely taken off guard.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you hear me demanding he tell me anything, huh?” James asked, and Fred sank back. “No! Because unlike you I have some bloody fucking common sense!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“James!” Someone had grabbed onto his arm, and James turned to meet Albus’ eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had scrambled over to stop him from yelling at Fred, and James felt utterly miserable from it. He thought somehow he’d been protecting Albus, but now that he’d stopped screaming, he contemplated that maybe he was just trying to protect himself. James felt his face fall, and Albus’ expression softened as his eyes filled with confusion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James turned his head away and stood up, shaking Albus’ hands from his arm and starting back up to the castle. He could hear Roxanne hissing from behind him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We bloody warned you Fred. We told you to knock it off. You deserved that.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t do anything!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James lifted a hand to rub his face, struggling to breathe as he hiked back to the castle. Passing through the doors, he immediately made for the bathroom. It was the only place James could be alone. He sat, hugged his knees to his chest, and cried until he had no tears left.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was so sick of it. So sick of crying constantly, of feeling out of control and helpless. There had to be something he could do to just get rid of the unwanted emotions. He stood at the sink once he’d calmed down, washing his face off. When he looked into the mirror above the sink, he froze. His face was a mess, covered in red blotches, and his eyes were bloodshot. The bags beneath them were dark, and aside from the red splotches, James’ face was pale.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For a moment, James felt bitter and angry, because he was the one who looked like hell, while Scorpius and Albus looked fine. Maybe they were suffering, but it didn’t show like it showed on James. How was that fair?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another wave of anger surged through him, anger at himself, for yet again letting himself get angry at Albus. That wasn’t fair to Albus. James curled his hands into fists, swinging the right into the mirror with a scream. The mirror shattered, his hand went numb, and he crumpled. James clung to the edge of the sink with his left hand, his right hand hanging weakly over the other side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he lifted his head, it was to see a small puddle of blood forming in the sink, dripping from the gashes that had been cut across the back of his hand. He pressed his lips into a tight line, reaching over with his left hand and gritting his teeth as he grabbed onto a shard of glass stuck in his hand, wiggling it and prying it out of his skin before dropping it into the sink. He nearly threw up, but somehow managed to keep himself calm as he finished pulling the rest of the glass from his hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James yanked the tie from around his neck and wrapped it around his hand to stop the bleeding, then washed off the shards and took a step back, repairing the mirror with a sharp wave of his wand. He took a moment to make sure none of his blood was still there, then washed out the sink and ducked out of the bathroom, hiding his hand beneath his robe so no one saw the blood.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he went to Madam Pomfrey, he claimed he stumbled and put his hand through a window, but it was okay because he was able to fix it so Filch wouldn’t have to. She believed him, fixing him up and sending him back to the Gryffindor common room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James went immediately up to his dorm, closing the curtains around his bed and flopping against his pillows, burying his face against them and curling his hands into fists. He made a note to apologize to Albus later, even if Albus didn’t know why he was apologizing. James still needed to. He had no plans to apologize to Fred, though. When he heard the other boys come into the dorm, he heard Fred’s voice.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See I told you he came back.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Give him space,” Louis chided. “Apologize later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t even do anything to him! I was talking to Albus, why’s James being such an ass about it? Al was totally fine with it!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you do me a favor and just listen to me once? Just once?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine. Whatever.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Thank</span>
  </em>
  <span> you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was beyond grateful that Louis was giving him space. He was tired, turning onto his side so he could look at the bandages around his hand. He felt numb, but at the same time he felt peaceful, and it was the first time he’d felt in control of himself in weeks. For some reason, punching a mirror made James feel calm, or maybe it was the unexpected pain. It was sudden, yet predictable at the same time, and the afterglow saw him feeling balanced.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was frightening.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next morning, James was out of the room before Fred had woken up, dressed for the day and making a beeline for the Slytherin common room. He had to wait out in the hall since he couldn’t get through the door, but he didn’t mind. He leaned against the cold stone wall, wrapping his robes tightly around himself to fight off the chill going through the dungeons.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“James?” He turned his head to see Scorpius had stepped out of the Slytherin dorms. “What are you doing here so early? Or at all?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James could only focus on the fact Scorpius was wearing a thin green cardigan. “How can you stand it down here?” He asked. “It’s freezing!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Scorpius looked startled, shuffling closer to James. “It’s not really.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door opened again behind him and Albus hopped out after him, yanking his bag after him and staggering after Scorpius. “Library’s not going to run away, Scorpius!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you feeling alright?” Scorpius asked, as if he hadn’t heard Albus, who froze in his steps and looked up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Me?” James asked. “Fine. I needed to talk to Al.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You look like shit,” Albus said from behind Scorpius, and James squinted at him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s appreciated,” James mumbled, and Albus shook his head, passing Scorpius.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not supposed to look like shit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well I’m not sure how to respond to that, so I guess we’re both confused.” He nodded to Scorpius. “You two are going to the library?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Scorpius wanted to grab a book for something,” Albus explained.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you mind if I steal him?” James waved at Albus, looking at Scorpius, who nodded slowly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” he said, reaching out slowly to tug on Albus’ sleeve and pull him back. “Just give us one second.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He dragged Albus close, and Albus looked puzzled as Scorpius whispered something to him. He furrowed his brow, looking uncertain, but didn’t say anything as Scorpius stepped away and walked past James, offering him a smile. “See you in the Great Hall for breakfast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James watched him walk away feeling incredibly suspicious. Albus stepped up to his side and elbowed him, prompting him to walk forward so they were moving down the hall side by side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you want to talk to me about?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James frowned, keeping his arms folded, hugging himself. “I wanted to apologize for yesterday,” he explained. “It wasn’t fair for me to snap, and I imagine if you didn’t feel on the spot before, you probably did when I yelled.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus was quiet for a moment, hands in his pockets. “Why did you yell?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James wasn’t sure how to answer. He wanted to say he was trying to protect Albus, but he knew that part of him just wanted to protect himself. He couldn’t say that, though, because then he’d have to explain why he felt the need to protect himself. If he did that, he’d have to tell Albus about Craig, and everything else.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know,” he answered finally. “After what happened at the beginning of the year, I just… I don’t want to feel that helpless again. I saw the look on your face when Fred and Hugo kept pushing, and I got mad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fred’s always like that, though,” Albus said. “We’re all used to it. Yeah I got annoyed, but I think I know how to handle that idiot by now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James felt like a complete fool, his heart going tight and a pit falling in his stomach. Yet again he felt a twinge of anger, his hands curling into tight fists hidden in his robes. He flinched from the pain that shot down his arm from his hand, holding his breath and focusing on it, grounding himself with it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” he said. “I guess I was acting pretty foolishly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were,” Albus agreed, “but… thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For apologizing?” James queried, and Albus hummed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No. Thank you for looking out for me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James hadn’t expected that, and emotion lodged in his throat. He felt blindsided, unsure of what to say next. The moment the knot loosened in his throat, he tried to speak again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know I haven’t been the best brother,” he said, staring directly ahead. “I also know that saying I’m going to try harder makes me sound like an asshole who’s just trying to avoid guilt. You don’t have to believe me. I don’t think I’ve ever given you any reason to trust me before. I’ve done nothing but isolate and ignore you, even at home, but I don’t want to do that anymore.” He stopped walking, turning to face Albus, who paused with James but didn’t look up from the ground. “If anything good has come from this, for me, it’s the fact it’s reminded me how important my family is. You’re my brother, and you’re the only one I have. I could have lost you so easily, and I don’t think I would have been able to survive that. Even now when you’re totally fine and healthy and alive, I’m still—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He stopped, wincing, and turned his head down to stare at the stone floor. “I want to do right by you, and show you I’m sorry, and work to prove that I really am going to change, and be better. For you, and for Lily.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>For Craig.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James heard Albus sigh, wincing again. “You probably expect me to be angry at you, or say I could never forgive you, or something dramatic like that, but this whole ordeal taught me something too.” He turned his head to look at James. “It takes </span>
  <em>
    <span>way </span>
  </em>
  <span>too much energy to hate someone. Way too much energy to hold a grudge. I don’t want to be that person who can’t forgive someone or let go. I don’t want to be old and bitter like Amos Diggory.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James continued to stare at the floor for a moment, before deciding to look up and acknowledge Albus and what he was saying. It was obvious he’d thought about it a lot, and James felt relieved, but at the same time it seemed too easy. Albus should hate him, shouldn’t he? It would have been so much easier.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was scared,” Albus said, looking at his hand. “I didn’t have a wand, and I was stuck in the past. One mistake, one wrong move, I could have killed dad and made it so none of us ever existed. I could’ve died, and Scorpius could have died.” He shut his eyes, dropping his hand. “I need to be smarter.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re impulsive,” James said, “but the only reason that’s bad is because you’re young. The older you get, the more that’ll work in your favor. Albus you are a good person. You were trying to do something good. It was still stupid, because you put yourself in so much danger, but I’m not exactly surprised. Impulsive, and ambitious, and you’re just enough like dad to clash with him. That’s why you fight with him so much, because you have just enough of him in you to stress him out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus scratched his neck. “Dad said I was like mum.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh yeah definitely,” James agreed. “You’re probably more like mum than any of us, and Lily’s more like dad. There’s still enough, though, and the parts of you that remind dad of himself are what he fights with.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus gave him a challenging look. “So why doesn’t he fight with Lily more?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Because Lily has the parts he hates </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>the parts he likes.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s fair.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus dropped his hand again. “So who are you most like then?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James stared at Albus blankly, looking down. “Neither of them,” he decided after a moment, looking at Albus with a soft smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus looked baffled at the answer, opening his mouth to say something more, but he froze up when he heard someone call to him from down the hall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Still showing your face around the school, Potter? I didn’t think you’d have the guts!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus shut his mouth and frowned as he glanced down the hall, and James furrowed his brow, following Albus’ gaze. Strutting towards them were three familiar Gryffindors. Yann, Karl, and Polly. James knew them, and he knew they were usually in the front row seat of the </span>
  <em>
    <span>“get Albus Potter”</span>
  </em>
  <span> bandwagon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had heard them snickering and gossiping about Scorpius and Albus in the common room before. In the past he’d never stopped them, but after giving Albus such a long and emotional speech about how he was going to be better, there was no way in hell he was going to just stand there and listen to the trio as they tore Albus open. He’d been through enough already, why couldn’t they just give him a break?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“A bit far from the Great Hall, aren’t you?” Albus asked lazily, likely not picking up on the way James was slowly tensing from beside him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where’s Voldy’s kid, huh?” Polly asked. “Your boyfriend too scared to face us?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James furrowed his brow, but Albus just folded his arms. “Is there something you need?” He asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, we need to have a little chat with you and your boyfriend.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You keep saying that like it’s an insult,” Albus noted. “Makes me think you guys are getting lazy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t like that?” Yann pushed Polly to the side. “How about murderer? Do you like that insult better?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus just rolled his eyes and turned to James. “I’m hungry, let’s just go to breakfast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He tried to walk past the trio, but Yann stuck his arm out to stop him. “You’re not going anywhere until we talk,” he snarled, moving his arm to grab the front of Albus’ shirt. “Everything that happened was your fault. Craig is dead because of you!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James grabbed the back of Albus’ shirt, yanking him away from Yann and spinning him away before striding forward, sending a fist into Yann’s face without a moment of hesitation. The younger Gryffindor yelped and staggered, falling onto his back while grabbing his mouth. James was bristling, eyes wide in fury.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You weren’t even Craig’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>friend,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> he snarled. “He never talked about you once, not even in passing. I am not going to stand by and let you use him as justification for your vendetta against my brother! Albus has done nothing wrong! Craig’s death was not his fault! This is the last time I want to see you three pricks harassing my brother. That goes for Scorpius too. If I see you going after him, </span>
  <em>
    <span>or </span>
  </em>
  <span>Albus—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They didn’t let him finish before Yann scrambled to his feet. The three of them sprinted down the hall. James doubted they would tell anyone, because James losing points meant they would lose points. If they tried to blame Albus, James would just call them out on their bullshit and take the punishment he’d earned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He continued to glare after the trio, flinching when Albus reached out to his right arm. When he looked over at his brother, Albus was looking down with a complex expression on his face that James couldn’t figure out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” James asked, and Albus shook his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your hand is bleeding.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James lifted his right hand, staring down at it. The bandages had loosened and red was staining them. It hurt, but James didn’t care.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I busted it yesterday, don’t worry.” He slipped his arm away from Albus, hiding his hand in his pocket. “Come on, let’s get to the Great Hall.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Like James had expected, none of the trio who had gone at Albus told on him. Yann’s nose was swollen and his right eye was a little dark, but James overheard him mutter something about running into a wall. For the rest of the school year James never saw them harassing Albus or Scorpius, and it gave James the freedom to feel a little bit calmer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus was fine for the rest of the year. James even saw him and Scorpius talking to Karl a few times, with absolutely none of the usual animosity between them. It was nice, and the idea that Albus may have been making new friends delighted him. He was talking to Karl, he was reconnecting with Rose, and James even saw him and Scorpius both hanging out with Lily.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few times James found himself wanting to join them. He would love to spend time with Albus, Lily, and Scorpius as a group. He never did though. Instead he would just frown and turn away, finding the most isolated part of the castle he could and just sitting by himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James would read and study, but the times when he couldn’t seem to concentrate, he would just sit with the book open on his lap and stare at the wall, dissociating for hours on end.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t realize his eating habits were changing until Fred pointed it out, piping up that James had been picking at his food for weeks and he was looking like crap.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James didn’t believe him until he took the time to really look at himself that night when he showered. The definition of his muscles were lacking, and his stomach looked sunken. It was jarring to see himself so small, because he didn’t even <em>feel</em> hungry. James could only wonder what was wrong with him as he drifted through the rest of the year in a haze.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He finished off with the highest marks of his year, the highest marks he’d ever gotten in his educational career at Hogwarts. At what cost, though? What was the point of having good grades when every other aspect of his life was suffering?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James fell asleep on the train to London, and he almost threw an elbow into Fred’s face when he was shaken awake at King’s Cross. On the drive home he stayed leaning against the door, his arms folded against the window and his eyes watching the scenery as it flew by. Lily was talking a mile a minute from the other side of the car, and Albus was sitting between them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James could see both their reflections. Lily was bright and excited, a smile on her face as she leaned forward, straining against her seat belt. Albus was leaning back, arms folded, and James noticed that he would periodically look over at him during the drive. He looked suspicious and confused, and James was starting to worry his younger brother was starting to realize something was really wrong.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They stopped off to get fast food to go, as it was so late, but James barely touched the paper bag that Harry handed him. He managed to stomach a few fries, but nothing more than that. Harry definitely looked upset that James hadn’t eaten, and he opened his mouth to say something when James set the barely touched bag of food on the kitchen table, but Ginny stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s just tired. They all are.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was wrong, but James didn’t bother to correct her. He didn’t even say goodnight before dragging his trunk up the stairs. He shut his bedroom door with a click and dropped his trunk at the foot of his bed. James kicked off his shoes and crawled onto his bed, falling onto the pillows and reaching out to turn on the lamp on his bedside table. He reached into his pocket and slipped out the picture of he and Craig that Ethan had sent him, then reached out again, propping the picture up against another framed photo he had sitting under the lamp. Then he wrapped his arms beneath his pillow, his head turned so he could stare at the poloroid. He was mesmerized by the moving photo, the repetition of James kissing Craig’s cheek, cracks webbing through his heart each time Craig smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was in agony.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t sleep that night. The next morning he quickly took down Craig’s picture and hid it beneath his pillow before shutting his eyes, just moments before he heard his door crack open. Footsteps led further into his room, and there was a click to signal someone had turned off the lamp. They took the blanket at the foot of James’ bed and unfolded it, draping it over him and tucking it around him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James stole a glance when the footsteps made for the door, expecting to see Ginny or Harry. Instead he saw Albus slipping out of his room and shutting the door. Pain shot through him from his chest, and he turned his face into the pillow to muffle the sob. He’d been able to hold the tears at bay up till that point, but the first bit of unexpected affection from his usually uptight brother made him crack.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The shame and guilt that James was so familiar with by now choked him, and he practically suffocated himself trying to keep his cries silent. He passed out like that, and didn’t wake up until after noon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Nice of you to join us for lunch,” Harry greeted from the table when James shuffled into the kitchen, still wearing the same clothes from the previous day.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He took the seat at the head of the table closest to him, not responding to Harry. He gave Ginny a weak smile when she put a cup of tea in front of him. “Thanks, mum.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Feeling hungry?” She asked as Lily pounded into the room, sliding into the seat closest to Harry.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James bobbed his head. “Something small. Fruit maybe.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s it?” Harry asked, folding down the piece of paper he’d been reading; probably paperwork from the Ministry he’d brought home with him. It made complete sense he’d want to try and be around more, for Albus’ sake. “You didn’t eat dinner or breakfast at all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not that hungry,” James defended, not bothering to lift his head when Albus came into the room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny set a plate of chopped fruit in front of him, and James managed to eat a little. The rest of his family held a casual conversation as he nibbled and picked at the fruit on his plate. It made him happy that his parents were inquiring about Albus’ year, trying to get a feel for how he’s been doing, and it made him even happier when Albus admitted he and Scorpius had been getting along with more people.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James didn’t add anything to the conversation. In fact the longer he sat there, the more isolated and out of place he felt. He was tired despite having just woken up, and he wanted to go back to his room. He stood up when he knew he couldn’t eat anymore, pushing his chair in and smiling weakly at Ginny.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thanks for humoring me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure sweetie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing now?” Harry asked, and James turned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m kind of tired.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You slept till one!” Lily said, and James winced.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well I’m still tired,” he defended with a slight tone of duress, leaving the kitchen without another word, and without looking back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That start of the summer was a pretty good hint to how the next few weeks would go. James barely left his room, but people rarely came to check on him, so he was confident no one knew how bad he was doing. He didn’t want them to know, and frankly all he wanted was to be left alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Occasionally someone would bring up an owl post, usually from Ethan or Teddy. James would toss Ethan’s letter into his drawer to be forgotten, then fall onto his bed to tear open Teddy’s letter. Despite the fact James almost never replied to the letters, Teddy was still sending them consistently. In each one he would ask if James was okay, give him a little narrative of what was going on in his own life, then ask if James wanted to spend a day out together later.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was nice to receive the letters, it made James feel like he wasn’t as alone as he really was. He was isolating himself on purpose, because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>wanted </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be alone, but he still enjoyed and appreciated that Teddy was still reaching out. James knew that if he blew Teddy off one too many times, that Teddy would be justified if he just stopped writing completely, and James was prepared, but he could never find the confidence to respond to the letters.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted Teddy to keep writing to him, but it would be unfair to simply not give anything back and expect the letters to keep coming. James did write back at times, but it was a struggle. It was only his anger that got him to sit at his desk and write out a response. Every time he thought about Victoire, James was flooded with anger. Teddy was possibly the kindest most genuine person James had ever met in his life, and he couldn’t stand that someone of his blood had hurt Teddy so much. He deserved more than that. He deserved someone who appreciated and loved him, someone who wouldn’t take advantage of and cheat on him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The letters James wrote to Teddy were short and sweet, filled with kindness and leaving out any updates regarding his own life. He also conveniently forgot to confirm any plans to go out with Teddy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James just didn’t have the energy or the motivation to leave the house, and it was definitely a problem in Harry’s eyes. There were a few times his parents wanted to go out as a family, and where Albus was usually the one to complain, now it was James who would insist he didn’t want to go anywhere.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The arguments with his father were short, but frequent. Usually it ended with Harry saying “first Albus and now you” as James stormed up the stairs to his bedroom. He knew it wasn’t fair to his family to act out, but he didn’t know how to go back to the way he used to be. He tried, so hard, but the harder he tried to be happy, the more miserable he made himself feel.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Every day that past, James just lost more and more energy. He didn’t want to do anything but lie in bed. James had stopped crying as often as he used to, but with the loss of the tears came the newfound emptiness that was almost worse. He stopped feeling. That’s what he wanted before, but now that the numbness had taken over, he just wanted to feel again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The issue was, James didn’t want to feel any of the pain, guilt, shame, or loneliness he’d been feeling before. That's what had gotten him into this mess. He wanted to feel normal again, but Craig was gone. This same time the previous year, James had been talking to Craig on the phone, texting him, and meeting up with him in London to go on cheesy dates and hold hands. James couldn’t do that anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He missed him every day, and he didn’t know how much longer he’d be able to handle it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James knew that talking to friends and family would help, but talking to someone meant a chance that the truth could get back to Albus. He’d been doing so well that summer. Albus was smiling like he used to, and he was happy that their parents had been letting Scorpius come over, but if he knew about Craig, all of his progress could be ruined. James would never do that to Albus, but it was getting harder and harder to say he was okay.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The morbid thought came to him while he was sitting on his bed in the middle of the night, his headphones in and connected to his phone. He wore a gentle smile as he watched through videos he’d taken a year ago with Craig, flipping through photos on his camera roll and laughing through his nose. He stopped on a selfie he’d taken, where he and Craig were looking at each other and smiling, their foreheads pressed together and their noses brushing.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Happy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He set his phone down, pulling out his headphones before slipping the polaroid from under his pillow. James wanted to feel that again, but the last time he’d felt genuinely happy was when he was with Craig.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James lifted his head, staring across his room as the numbness in his body began to fade. It left him feeling light, almost manic, and a crooked, demented smile rose on his lips. He felt better, and it was fine. Albus was happy, he was doing well, and nothing seemed to bother Lily as it was. Harry’s relationship with Albus was getting better, and Ginny seemed delighted that her family was finally getting along. James was the one causing issues now. Things would be so much better…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was awake and downstairs before the rest of his family, standing at the stove with a skillet and looking over his shoulder when he heard footsteps.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning mum,” he greeted with a smile, and Ginny froze in place, eyes wide.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was still in her pajamas and wearing a robe, gaping at James in shock. “You’re awake so early,” she breathed, stepping further into the kitchen. “What are you doing?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Making breakfast, why?” James responded, looking at his mother innocently. “I’ve got eggs going, beans with sausage, some fruit. I made coffee too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny looked even more confused and taken aback, shuffling closer to look at the food James had prepared. “How long have you been awake?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, maybe an hour?” James hummed, and Ginny put a hand on his back, rubbing up and down his spine and looking at him with a slight draw to her brow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you feeling alright, sweetheart?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James stared at her. “Yes, why?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve just been so… not yourself, lately.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I feel better,” James said, then looked down at the skillet to ensure he didn’t burn anything. “I was just really tired, you know? It took a lot out of me to crush my grades the way I did. I’m first in my class right now!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny continued to rub James’ back. “Honey it’s summer. You’re allowed to take a break. You’ve been so stressed and on edge lately.” James didn’t respond as he turned off the stove-top. “How about you go out with Teddy later today? He’s been asking about you a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have plans today, mum.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah. Just cuz it’s summer doesn’t mean I don’t have chores.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny seemed unhappy with that excuse. “Albus and Lily can take care of your work around the house today. You haven’t done a thing for yourself this summer. It’s already been a month, love. Go spend some time with your friends.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James laughed, plating up the food. “Mum, I don’t need to do any of that. I wanted to hang out with Lily and Albus.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny smiled gently at that, giving a short nod. “Well, thank you for breakfast.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sure,” James grinned.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny helped him bring everything to the table, setting out plates and cups. Harry seemed pleased when he saw everything, squeezing James’ shoulder and beaming.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good to see you’re finally back to normal,” he said before walking over to take a seat. “I was starting to get worried.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James just continued to smile. Albus and Lily came into the room next, drawn downstairs by the smell of food. Lily was gleeful as she dug into the breakfast, though Albus was picking at the food, glancing at James suspiciously now and then. James, however, ate his fill and tried to communicate with his family.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He, Lily, Ginny and Harry talked together, laughed, and James felt like he was helping to improve the atmosphere. That was good, considering for the past month he’d been the one screwing up the atmosphere.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Albus added onto the conversation once in a while, but for most of the time he just stared at James intently, with a suspicion that was so evident James could feel the hair at the back of his neck stand. Did he know? Albus was smarter than people thought, so James wouldn’t be surprised if Albus could see through him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No, there was no way Albus knew. James was fine.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After breakfast, James hiked up to his room, sifting through his dressers and grabbing clothes before heading for the shower. He was still skinnier than he would have liked, but one good breakfast wasn’t going to fix several months of not eating like a normal person. The bags under his eyes were still there, and he still looked pale, but his eyes seemed brighter than before. His hair had gotten longer, and somehow it looked like he’d lost some of the beauty that made the people at Hogwarts like him so much.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That didn’t matter anymore, though.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Once James had showered and dressed, he grabbed the Quaffle he had in his bedroom and hiked down the stairs. “Hey, Lil! Come out back and practice with me for a bit.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry, James.” James paused behind the couch in the living room where Lily was sitting, holding her phone up. “I started this show and I want to finish it before ten.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing at ten?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to go hang out with some friends.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh,” James contemplated for a bit before smiling. “That’s fine then.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How about tomorrow?” Lily asked, and James laughed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Only if it’s not raining.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, cuz you’re afraid of rain,” Lily giggled, and James backed out of the living room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He kept the smile on his face as he tossed his Quaffle back into his bedroom. When he went to ask Albus if he wanted to do something, he found him in the living room with a bag and a handful of floo powder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ve been planning on spending the night with Scorpius for a week now. How about tomorrow?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James pouted. “Ah fine, but only if it’s not raining.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fine by me,” Albus agreed, and James watched him disappear in a puff of smoke.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both of his siblings were out of the house, and Harry was at the Ministry for work while Ginny was writing in her study. James had nothing else to do, so he went to do his chores. He kept himself moving, making his room spotless before tidying up bits of the rest of the house.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The day went by fast, and both Lily and Albus ended up staying over at friends houses. Ginny encouraged James to do the same, but James just smiled and said he wanted to stay home. He helped Ginny make dinner so it was ready when Harry got home, and the three of them enjoyed a special dinner together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James insisted he clean up, which Harry seemed pleased about while Ginny looked puzzled, and he embraced both of his parents tightly before heading up to bed, telling them he loved them more than life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He sat against his closed door in the dark, staring into the blackness of his room as he listened and waited for his parents to go to bed. As soon as he heard their door shut, he closed his eyes and got to his feet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James knew how to sneak down the hall without alerting his parents, slipping into the bathroom and finding what he wanted before returning to his room. He turned on his desk lamp and pulled a few sheets of parchment closer before setting about writing several long overdue letters. Once they were done he set them on his desk one after the other, shutting the light off and standing up to check the time on his phone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was well past midnight, which seemed like as good a time as ever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James sat on the edge of his bed and retrieved the little boxes from his bedside table as he flipped on the lamp there. He wanted to simply drift off to sleep peacefully. That’s what he was thinking of when he emptied the blister pack of sleeping pills onto the bed beside him. He dropped the trash onto the floor and held up his hand, tracing the scars left over from when he’d punched the mirror.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If this went the way he wanted, then he wouldn’t have to hurt like that again. It seemed like the best option, when compared to a lifetime of pain.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James picked up the sleeping pills, tilting his head back and dropping them into his mouth. He drank half the glass of water that was sitting next to the lamp, then sat there for a moment to just breathe.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He thought of nothing as his mind began to slow, turning and lying down. It took a moment to drag his legs onto the bed with him, staring at the ceiling as his vision became less vibrant. James felt peaceful, calm, almost happy as he thought of what it would be like, to simply stop. It wasn’t at all easy like he wanted it to be, though. He felt his body seize out of his half conscious stupor as a burning pain cramped in his stomach.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James folded at the waist, holding his stomach as he began to dry heave, covering his mouth with a hand. He fell on his face when he tried to stand up, staggering out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, where he flipped the lock and fell in front of the toilet just in time before he started to throw everything back up.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It hurt, the exact opposite of peaceful. James felt like he was burning from the inside. He wanted it to stop, he didn’t want to die, and a thought came to him out of nowhere. He remembered years ago when Lily was five years old and ate half a bottle of Tylenol, how Ginny and Harry had started keeping emergency bottles of a medicinal tonic recommended by Healers at St Mungos.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They still had a few bottles, and James shook as he yanked open the medicine cabinet, locating the medicine and grabbing a bottle to drink before sinking back down to the floor and crawling over to the toilet again. He was there for hours, but the pain in his stomach numbed from the potion. He threw up the rest of the pills, some of them still solid, and cried quietly for an additional half hour.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When his body had stopped fighting against him, he was absolutely exhausted. He felt like he might black out just from standing up, but fought a little longer so he could clean up the bathroom and drag himself to his bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a failed attempt at not wanting to hurt anymore. James stuffed the letters he’d written in his desk drawer before stumbling over to his bed to lie down. His stomach still hurt, as did his head, and his heart seemed to feel even more broken than it had before. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James was frightened of what had just happened. He was terrified that he’d tried something so terrible, and scared of what would happen if anyone found out. It was just another secret he would have to keep, but that’s not what scared him the most. In the end James was far more terrified at the fact he may never be able to find peace, even in death.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Carry On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Chapter song: Carry On - Kygo ft. Rita Ora</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>James was still exhausted when he woke up the next morning. He could hear a constant noise coming from outside, but it took him awhile to realize the pattering against his window was from the rain. That seemed convenient, and he rolled onto his back to stare at the curtains covering the window, contemplating what he'd tried to do the night before.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Deciding to kill himself had made him feel manic, yet peaceful, but trying to overdose on pills wasn't nearly as glamorous as he'd heard it was. James had read romanticized stories of suicide a million times, but what he'd felt the night before wasn't romantic or beautiful at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was horrible. He could still taste the blend of potion mixed with the flavor of the pills stuck on his tongue. It almost made him throw up again. He rolled onto his side to retrieve the glass of water on his table. It was only half full, but picking it up was difficult. James had no strength. After seizing and vomiting for hours the previous night, none of his muscles seemed to be working.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had to shift in bed and sit up, cradling the cup with both hands so he wouldn't spill it. Outside in the hall he could hear people moving, and he froze when he heard his father just outside his door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"Gin where did you put those sleeping pills? Al said something about nightmares so I wanted to recommend he try them since they help us."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James fumbled around, putting the glass down and snatching the empty box of pills from where he'd dropped them on the ground. Then he shoved the garbage under his mattress, flopping back down onto his pillows and yanking the blankets over his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"They should still be in the cabinet."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>"I didn't see them."</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hold on.” James flinched when someone knocked on the door, folding the blankets down when it cracked open. “James honey, have you seen your father’s sleeping medication? It’s the one in the yellow box?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No,” James said, rolling onto his other side.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door shut after a drawn moment, and he looked over his shoulder to make sure no one had come inside. Then he flopped back down, staring at the curtains covering his windows. He laid in bed almost the entire day. He thought of better, easier ways to put himself down, but if overdose was that bad, it was likely there was no easy way to do it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lily came into his room around noon, when James was curled onto his side with the covers pulled over his head. “I’m home! Time for Quidditch!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James flinched beneath the covers, not bothering to pull them down as he spoke. “It’s raining, Lil.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?! Since when do you care about that? You’ve played in the rain before!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m not feeling well,” James mumbled. “Sorry. Another time.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You wanted to play yesterday,” Lily whined. “What’s been wrong with you lately?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sorry,” James apologized again. “My ball is by the door, go ahead and take it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s no fun by myself,” Lily complained, and James pulled the covers back to watch Lily shuffle out of the bedroom.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It left him feeling more miserable than before. He kept saying he needed to be a better brother, and there he was blowing Lily off. The day before he had said he wouldn’t go out if it was raining, but the only reason he said that was because he genuinely believed he’d be dead. No, James wasn’t a good brother at all, and he wouldn’t blame Lily if she hated him after today.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A few hours passed before the door opened again, but James didn’t bother removing the blanket from over his head. He listened to the steps as they led across the room, right past the bed, and furrowed his brow when he heard the curtains get drawn back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Move over,” he heard Albus say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s when he pulled down the covers and looked over at the window, squinting against the dull light to see his younger brother standing there. “What?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I said move,” Albus repeated, stepping over to the bed and grabbing a few of the extra pillows that James kept stacked on his bed. He set a few up against the headboard before sitting down, putting a bag between them and pulling out his phone. “Scorpius and I found this Youtuber last night, thought you’d like him too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James rolled onto his back to stare dully at Albus. “Malfoy Manor has WiFi?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah and you’ll never guess what their password is.” Albus reached into the grocery bag he’d brought up, pulling out a bottle of soda and handing it to James. “Sit up, I brought snacks.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James groaned as he sat up, wincing from the ache in his muscles. He leaned heavily against the pillows as his brother brought up a video on Youtube. Albus was a smart kid, and he knew what his family liked, so James wasn’t shocked when he did actually enjoy the videos. For a while he felt numbly intrigued by the content, not touching any of the snacks because his stomach was still too fragile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Halfway through their binge was when Lily joined them, jumping onto the mattress and slotting herself right against James. He ended up stuck squished between his younger siblings, and at first he felt on edge and overly sensitive. Hugged between them made him feel like crying, but instead he found himself laughing softly with them.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was surreal. James couldn’t remember the last time the three of them had cuddled together like this. There was junk food and soda littering the bed, courtesy of Albus, watching videos on Albus’ phone until Lily decided to bring in her tablet so they had a bigger screen. Albus seemed pleased with that, happy to keep his phone to himself as he texted someone. Scorpius, no doubt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny poked her head in at one point, and when she saw her kids snuggled together giggling, even Albus, she beamed. She didn’t even nag them about coming down for lunch, instead bringing up sandwiches and warm homemade Butterbeer to cut through the dreary weather. A few more hours passed before Ginny came to tell them about dinner.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At that point James was half asleep, using Albus’ arm as a pillow with his eyes closed. He managed to eat some of the snacks, and he’d stomached lunch, but he still felt achy and somewhat nauseous. James wasn’t interested in dinner, so when Ginny knocked on the door to tell them it was about done, James pretended to be fast asleep.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We can let him sleep,” Ginny said softly as Lily slipped off the bed first.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is he sick?” Lily asked.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s just tired,” Albus defended, and James felt him slip away, leading him down to the pillows. “I think lately he’s been putting way too much stress on himself. Overthinking and trying too hard. He needs a break.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“From what?” Lily asked, and Albus answered simply.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James felt the blankets pull over him, then a hand on his head, before he heard the three of them leave the room. He didn’t open his eyes until he heard the door shut, rolling his head to look at the closed door before staring up at the ceiling. He sat up, pulling the polaroid from under his pillow and cradling it in his hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt like he was stuck on a ledge between two things he wanted more than anything else. One step ahead he would find Craig, and peace. One step back he had his beloved siblings and family. James couldn’t decide what he wanted more. He didn’t even know how to make the decision, which made him even more embarrassed and ashamed. Normal people would have chosen the living rather than the dead. They wouldn’t be sitting on their bed contemplating the pros and cons of ending their own life.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James tucked the polaroid back under his pillow before slipping off the bed, wincing. His body was still hurting, but he wasn’t surprised anymore. Even though it was practically night, James got dressed, just to try and feel a little more normal. Harry beat him to the door, and James nearly jumped out of his shoes when Harry opened it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked exhausted, so James could imagine he’d had a long day at work. He wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. Harry was holding a letter in his hand, arching an eyebrow when he came face to face with James.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Welcome home,” James greeted. “Did you have a good day at work?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry didn’t answer as he handed the letter over. “Post from Teddy. Again. Do you ever answer him?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James frowned, taking the letter. “What do you mean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“This one he hand delivered to me at work, asking how you were.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know what’s up with you lately, but you’re worrying people.” James winced at that, staring down at his own name, scrawled in Teddy’s hand. “Your mum has been staying awake part of the night this past month worrying. Even Al’s been worried, and he’s the one we almost lost, in case you’d forgotten—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I didn’t forget,” James snapped, glaring at Harry before looking down again. “I’m sorry that I’ve been worrying everyone. I’m just tired.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you’ve been saying,” Harry said. “I thought you were past it yesterday. You were back to normal and you seemed happy. I get home, you’re not eating dinner, your mum says you didn’t eat breakfast, or even get out of bed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James shut his eyes with a sigh. “I wasn’t feeling well today.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you sick?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, just… I’m tired. Why is that a bad thing? I just want to be alone lately. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry sighed. “I understand, but right now, more than ever, we need to be a family. Albus needs us there for support, especially after the last year. Lily’s at an age where she’s going to be very impressionable, so the people she looks up to, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you,</span>
  </em>
  <span> need to be there. Your mum and I are already worried sick about you three, it would be nice if you were present once in a while.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Why?” James asked with a scoff. “Why is it such a crime that I want to be alone? I told you, I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m just trying to figure some stuff out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your family is worried, James.” Harry followed James when he wandered further into his bedroom, setting the letter on his desk. “Especially Al! He doesn’t need the stress anymore than the rest of us do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James turned to seeth at his father. “You know something? You have a really bad habit of saying things impulsively without thinking about how your words may hurt your kids. That’s why Albus did what he did in the first place, isn’t it? It’s not because I want to be alone, it’s because you don’t know how to control your anger!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me?” Harry gaped, stepping further into the room. “I came up here to talk to you about how worried everyone is, and you accuse me—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well I didn’t ask you to come up here, did I?” James asked, holding his arms out and shrugging. “No. So get out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry looked dumbstruck, so shocked that he didn’t even respond. He left like James told him to do, shutting the door quietly behind him. James felt his throat tighten up, falling into his chair and covering his face with his hands. Why couldn’t people just leave him be? Maybe Albus was right. Maybe he did need to get away from his family for a bit.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James dropped his hands and reached out to pick up the letter. The contents were the same as all Teddy’s previous letters, with the usual addition of asking if James wanted to hang out, and inquiring if he was doing alright.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another idea came to him, one less demented than the last he had, and he put the letter down before getting to his feet. He grabbed a backpack from his closet before stuffing a few changes of clothes into it. He grabbed the notes he’d written the night before and locked them in his Hogwarts trunk, just to ensure no one found them. Then he pulled on a jacket and stuffed his wand into the inner pocket, grabbing the polaroid from under his pillow and his broom from beside the door before going straight for the window.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was pouring outside, but it didn’t stop him from opening his window, sitting on his broom and floating down to the ground. Once he was standing, he snuck over to the shed in the backyard to stow his broom somewhere dry. He climbed the fence instead of going out the front, yanking his hood onto his head and shoving his hands into his pockets as he started down the sidewalk. He could have taken the Knight Bus, but decided against it, opting for Muggle transportation and sitting at the very back of the bus.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James held his phone as they bumped along the road in the rain. More than once it began to buzz. He got a number of calls and texts from Ginny and Harry, a few from Lily and Albus, and even from Hermione and Ron. James wasn’t surprised that they’d gone mad once they realized he was gone, especially after Albus ran off the way he did. It wasn’t fair to them, but James needed to get out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ironically enough, Teddy was the last person who called him. James almost wanted to laugh at the image of Harry not wanting to tell Teddy that James had gone missing, eventually giving in and calling him. James was standing inside when Teddy called, cold water dripping from his heavy bangs and soaked to the bone. He answered and put the phone to his ear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“James Potter speaking,” he greeted, and Teddy immediately started to curse.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Bloody hell! Where the hell are you? Your mum called me and said you ran off out of nowhere! It’s pouring outside and it’s almost midnight!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m outside,” James said, reaching out to knock on the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What?” Teddy mumbled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James heard footsteps beyond the door, then the sound of the lock disengaging before the door was pulled open. Teddy gaped at James, phone in hand. He was still dressed, but James noticed his boots were untied.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Going somewhere?” James asked, and Teddy opened his mouth but didn’t answer. “Alright, well, are you going to invite me in? I’m cold and wet and my entire body is hurting right now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy shook his head, hanging up the call and opening the door wider. He reached out to grab the strap of James’ backpack, dragging him into the apartment before shutting and locking the door behind him. He said nothing as he pulled the backpack off, then forced James out of his coat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whoa there Ted, buy me dinner first,” James teased, but the joke didn’t reach his voice or his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re freezing, James,” Teddy scolded, dragging him towards the bathroom. “I’m gonna get you some dry clothes, change immediately. You could get sick.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James accepted the pile of clothes that Teddy handed him, looking up. “What are you going to do?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy gave him a sharp look. “I’m letting your parents know you’re not dead,” he said, and James winced. Teddy must have noticed, because his expression softened and he sighed. “I’ll be in the living room. Come find me when you’re dressed.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James nodded and watched Teddy walk off before shuffling back into the bathroom. The sweatpants didn’t fit James, so he opted out of them and just wore boxers. The shirt fit, and while James did bring along clothes, he didn’t bring anything to sleep in, so he just wore Teddy’s shirt. He was drying his hair when he walked out to the living room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy was sitting at the end of the couch, still on the phone. James paused at the other end and Teddy glanced at him. “He’s fine,” Teddy was saying, and James winced. “Yeah, soaked from the rain so I had him change into something dry. I’ll keep you updated.” He continued to stare at James. “He’s still in the bathroom, but I’ll try to get him to call you later.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James immediately relaxed, sighing and pulling the towel from his head. He sat down as Teddy hung up the phone, freezing up when the man took the blanket draped over the back of the couch, throwing it around James.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you doing here, Jamie?” Teddy asked softly, and James frowned, staring at the coffee table.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In your letters you kept asking if I wanted to hang out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, but my intention was a day out. Not a night in.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can leave if you want me to,” James offered, and Teddy stretched an arm in front of him to keep him from trying to stand, leading him to lean against the back of the couch. “I didn’t know what else to do,” James finally answered Teddy’s question. He pulled his feet up onto the couch before wrapping the blanket tighter. “I haven’t been doing good. At all.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” Teddy said, sitting close with a hand on James’ shoulder. “Do you want to tell me what’s been happening?” He moved his hand to James’ head, stroking back his still slightly damp hair. “What’s been going on in that head of yours?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James gave a shaky sigh and shut his eyes. “You can’t tell anyone if I talk to you about this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy shook his head, pushing James’ bangs out of his eyes. He observed James silently for a moment, like he was debating whether or not to agree. Eventually he answered. “I promise that whatever we talk about will stay between us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James felt immediately relieved, and when he opened his mouth to speak, his throat got tight. “Can you bring me my coat?” His voice trembled, and Teddy nodded.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The coat was still cold and wet, but the polaroid in the front pocket was dry. James hesitated to pull it out, because when he did he knew he couldn’t go back. He handed the picture to Teddy, dropping his coat to the floor before hugging himself and staring down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy said nothing, James could only assume he was trying to figure out what he was looking at. “Oh, Jamie,” his voice was barely above a whisper when he finally spoke, and James pinched his eyes shut.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We dated for a year,” he said weakly. “He asked me out. Can you believe that?” James gave a short laugh. “He asked me out first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James didn’t jerk away when Teddy moved closer and wrapped his arms around him, one hand on his head to hold his face against his neck, rocking gently back and forth. It was enough to drag a squeak out of James, before he tucked his face against the side of Teddy’s neck.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jamie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He went alone to find Al. I should have gone with him, but I didn’t. He said he’d be okay and the next time I saw him he was just </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone.”</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy said nothing and didn’t try to interrupt James even once. He stroked a hand through his hair, holding him tightly and swaying slowly one way, then the other. James kept himself huddled against Teddy, crying and shaking as he tried to get everything out. There was just so much in his head, he wasn’t sure he could articulate all of it with words.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know I’m selfish, but everything just feels like it’s my fault. I’m not a good enough brother, I wasn’t there to support Albus and that’s why he ran off the way he did, because he didn’t have any support from any of us. I’m his older brother, I’m supposed to look after him. Despite everything, I’m supposed to be the one he can trust, the one he can lean on. If I could have been just a little bit better then maybe he wouldn’t have done what he had. None of this would have happened. Craig would still be alive. It’s my fault. I’m a shit excuse for a brother and I couldn’t protect my boyfriend. I hate it. I hate myself so much, and it hurts </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I just want it to stop, but I’m not good at doing that either!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy tensed up, his grip on James tightening. His hand buried into James’ hair and fisted there, almost pulling as he clung to him. “Jamie what happened?” James cried harder, his shoulders shaking hard. “I’m not mad, I just want to know, please, Jamie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I took the sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet,” James squeaked out, and it almost hurt how tightly Teddy hugged him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“God. James.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” James cried against his shoulder. “I know I’m selfish, I know. It just hurts so much. Everything was going wrong and I was scared. I’m sorry, Teddy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Teddy hushed him, returning to his back and forth sway. “I’m not mad at you, it’s okay. Thank you for telling me, Jamie.” He paused before pulling back, one hand holding the side of James’ face. “I am so sorry that you were hurting that much, but I am so, so happy you’re still here.” He reached down to take one of James’ hands, squeezing his fingers. “I’ve known you almost my entire life, and I care about you. I won’t tell anyone what you told me, and I understand how hard it must have been to tell me of all people. I’m honored you trusted me that much, and I need to tell you that if you need anything, you can contact me. You can come over anytime you want. You can trust me enough to talk to me, and you can trust my home to be a safe space.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James felt immediate exhaustion, lazy tears rolling slowly down his cheeks as he nodded. “I don’t know what to do next,” he admitted sheepishly. “Coming here was a last resort. I didn’t know what else to do.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You did the right thing, Jamie,” Teddy praised. “I meant what I said. You can stay here as long as you need until you think you’re okay. I won’t tell Harry either. That’s your decision to make and I won’t take that control away from you. I’ll help how I can.” He stared at James with a gentle yet stern gaze. “I do have some conditions, though.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James winced, and Teddy rubbed his shoulders. “What is it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let me take you to the clinic,” Teddy insisted. “I just want to make sure you’re healthy after…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I threw it all up,” James said softly, “and I drank a potion. It’s that gross one that you give babies when they eat something poisonous.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a good start,” Teddy reassured. “I have a friend at the clinic, she won’t ask too many questions. I just want to make sure it’s all out of your system, and I’ll come with you, I won’t leave you alone. I’ll be right there for support.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James nodded slowly, staring down and rubbing the tears off his cheek. “Okay. I’ll go.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy relaxed with a sigh, squeezing James’ hand again. “Tomorrow, okay? Tonight I’ll just give you something for your stomach and you can sleep.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are the other conditions?” James asked anxiously, and Teddy watched him carefully.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You have full control over what you do. What you’re feeling, it’s not going to go away overnight, and it’s going to take a lot of work. I can help, I want to help, but you may get better help if you talk to a professional. The clinic has connections with a lot of really good Mind Healers; therapists. My friend might insist on recommending someone after she looks you over. Whether or not you go through with meeting them is your decision, but I have to insist that you at least consider it. Promise me you’ll at least consider it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James hesitated to agree, but he was smart enough to know that Teddy wasn’t trying to control him or make the decisions for him. If Teddy was recommending therapy, then James was going to therapy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay,” he agreed, and Teddy looked beyond relieved.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He reached out to pull James closer, hugging him and pressing a kiss against his cheek. “One more thing, James. What happened was not your fault. I know you might not believe me, considering how much pain you’re in right now, but when things are easier you’ll realize I’m right. It wasn’t your fault.” He pulled away to look James in the eye. “Albus loves the hell out of you. I know you know that. You’ve both got enormous hearts, and for the record, even if you’re a pain, you’re an amazing brother. Just keep in mind you are their </span>
  <em>
    <span>brother,</span>
  </em>
  <span> not their parent. It’s not your job to raise them, it’s just your job to be there when it gets bad.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James bit his lip and ducked his head, fighting the sting in his eyes. “Craig said that too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy laughed softly, holding the picture out for James to take back. “Another thing. I had a feeling you may have been a little more than straight. Was he your first boyfriend?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James blushed, nodding his head. “I liked him for a while,” he admitted shyly. “Evidently he asked me out on a dare, but I was so excited I didn’t care at all. I was just happy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He’s got good taste,” Teddy said with an amused smile, “if not a little strange.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James snorted, the smile falling. “I know we were only together for a year, but I really liked him.” He looked up at Teddy. “It’ll stop hurting, won’t it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy rubbed a hand up and down James’ arm, nodding. “Yes, but it won’t go away overnight. It’ll be exhausting, but it’ll be okay. You can get through it, and the pain will turn to memory that will help you grow and mature.” He seemed to think for a moment, observing James before speaking again. “If Craig cared about you the same way you cared about him, then I know he would want nothing more than for you to be okay. He would want you to get past this however you can. He wouldn’t want you giving up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James smiled at that, his eyes shiny. “You’re right. I know you’re right.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy squeezed his arm, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “I’m going to grab you some blankets and pillows, then I want you to get some sleep.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m always here, Jamie,” Teddy said with a smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James watched him leave the room before turning his head, looking down at the picture in his hand. He set it on the coffee table before picking up his coat to hang up on the rack beside the door. Then he went back to the couch and  fell onto it. Teddy brought back an arm full of blankets and pillows, handing James a small potion bottle with the order to drink.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’ll settle your stomach,” he explained, setting the blankets down. “Tomorrow I’ll take you to the clinic and we can make sure you’re okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Am I even allowed in the clinic?” James asked, and Teddy smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you’re there with me it’ll be fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alright.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Here.” Teddy handed two pillows to James. “Get settled, try and sleep. If you need me you know where I am.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay. Goodnight; and thank you, Teddy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy smiled gently. “Thank you too.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What for?” James asked with a soft laugh, and Teddy shrugged.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“For trusting me instead of trying again.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The Lupin Clinic for the Lycanthrope Afflicted Witch or Wizard was a hospital exclusive to werewolves. It was an enormous building made of stone and stained wood, built meticulously the summer after the war. Kingsley Shackelbolt had overseen the construction, naming it for Remus Lupin after posthumously awarding him a First Class Order of Merlin. Technically speaking the clinic belonged to Teddy, as it was built for his father and signed over to him when he got out of Hogwarts.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were picky about who they let inside, though, and the credentials to work or study there were hard to meet. The large building was located in Wales, surrounded by trees on one side and a sheer cliff on the other. It was surrounded by an unbreakable warding to keep out the occasional hiker, and also designed to keep the afflicted inside during the full moon to avoid unwanted accidents. In addition to the wards, it was surrounded by a heavy mist and illusion magic, so if you didn’t know where you were going already, then you would just get lost and find yourself back where you’d started.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Usually only those confirmed to be afflicted with lycanthropy, fully or partially, were the only ones allowed through the gate. Residents, Healers with exclusive permission, cleared Ministry officials, and the Minister of Magic were the only ones allowed through. Teddy could come and go as he pleased, although he was just an Auror, and James was allowed entrance because he was with Teddy.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a truly beautiful place, enchanted in such a way that it wasn’t as cold as Wales usually was. Kingsley pulled all the stops when he decided to make this place; a safe haven for werewolves to heal, recover, and reintegrate in preparation for living in everyday society.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Along with being something of an apartment complex for a small werewolf society, the clinic also served as a safe space for people to study Lycanthropy in anticipation for the continuation of their individual careers. It was a fascinating and mysterious place, and while James wasn’t exactly happy about why he was there, he tried to enjoy the once in a lifetime opportunity.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy brought James directly to the Head Healer, a werewolf named Chiara Lobosca, who was gentle and understanding as she gave him a check up. James wasn’t all that excited when she said there could be some damage to his stomach lining and liver, but she reassured him with a complicated potion that smelt absolutely vile. James nearly threw it up when he drank it, and Teddy sat on the edge of the cot with him, rubbing a hand up and down his back as he struggled to keep it down.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“The potion will essentially patch whatever damage was done from the drugs. You’re healthy aside from that, but I do recommend rest. Your mental health is what I’m most concerned about. I’m going to give you the name of a Mind Healer who works here, and I’d like you to take it upon yourself to contact them soon.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James stared at the name scribbled on the note card as they drove away from the clinic, turning it over a few times before looking out the car window.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you hungry?” Teddy asked from the driver's seat, and James furrowed his brow.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I should eat something shouldn’t I?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would recommend it, yes. Especially after that potion.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It tasted like stomach bile and charcoal,” James grumbled, shutting his eyes and dropping his head against the seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you feeling?” Teddy asked. “Ice cream? Sandwiches?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fruit might be nice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy nodded. “Smoothies it is.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know me so well,” James grinned over at Teddy, who smiled back before focusing on the road.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They sat together in the car after picking up smoothies, and James propped his feet against the seat as he hugged the cup and stared down. Meanwhile Teddy continued to talk and offer support, and James was shocked he wasn’t sick of his voice yet. It was like Teddy always knew the perfect thing to say, and how to not go over the line.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You should talk to your mum about it at least,” Teddy was saying as James stabbed his straw into his smoothie. “I mean about therapy. I can bring you to appointments some days, and it’ll be easier when you get your apparation license, but she would be happy to help too.” Teddy smiled at James. “Well, it’s still your choice, but the additional support will be very good for your recovery. Support from your parents is important, and your mum would definitely understand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t want to make her cry,” James mumbled around his straw, and Teddy chuckled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you’re underestimating how tough she is. She may get teary, but she’ll probably be more angry than anything. Not at you,” Teddy quickly added. “Just the fact you were hurting and she couldn’t help. Trust me, Jamie, trusting her enough to confide in her is going to be more than enough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do I apologize for doing something so stupid?” James asked, and Teddy hummed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Work to heal.” He turned his head to smile at James. “There’s always something to keep you here. As much as it hurts, you need to find an excuse to live until you’ve found yourself a reason.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James stared out the front windshield. “So what’s my excuse today?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s up to you,” Teddy said. “Though if you need an idea, that smoothie’s probably awesome.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James looked down at the smoothie with a hum. “It is pretty good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s the little things that give us meaning, because life without any flavor is absolutely miserable.” Teddy put his smoothie in the cup holder. “So what flavor do you want next?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James took a slow breath in. “I could do with something buttery.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Ah,” Teddy beamed. “How about a movie?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James smiled weakly at him. “Yeah, that would be nice.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James crashed on Teddy’s couch for three weeks. They had something of a schedule by the end of it, because Teddy still had a job he needed to go to. When he was gone, James wandered around the apartment, cleaning up and organizing as a way to pull his weight and thank Teddy for letting him stay there. He cooked dinner so it was done by the time the Auror got home. James could see in Teddy’s eyes how much he appreciated it. Being an Auror was a tiring job after all, James knew that from all the times he’d seen Harry trudge home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It made James feel useful when he had food already on the table by the time Teddy got through the door. He would come home with hair the color of brown eggshells, but it would change to a pale pink every time he saw James already setting out plates. Almost like he forgot James was there and was shocked whenever he saw him standing at the table. James liked it, being able to take care of Teddy where Teddy had been taking care of him.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>For the first few days James would sleep in. Getting to sleep at night was a problem, so in the morning he just couldn’t wake up. It made him feel terrible because Teddy was already gone when he did manage to get himself up. There would be a simple breakfast already on the coffee table, and that made James feel guilty. Teddy was doing so much for him, and James just wanted to give back as much as Teddy was giving. He deserved it, and more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James didn’t want to leave at all. Though he was stuck on the couch, being at teddy’s apartment made him feel more normal than he had since Craig’s death. He couldn’t stay there forever though, and he knew he couldn’t.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He again found himself staring at the note card Chiara had given him, debating what Teddy had said about telling Ginny about wanting to go to therapy as they drove towards the Potter’s home. He also thought about what he’d said about finding an excuse to live until he’d found a reason. For the past few weeks, Teddy had been his excuse, but he knew that he couldn’t put that much responsibility on the man.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This was James’ life, James’ responsibility. He needed to make the decision to change for the better and actively work towards healing. Otherwise Teddy would have done all that work helping James for absolutely nothing. James wanted to make progress, if only to prove to Teddy that he did want to get better. He felt like getting better for Teddy’s sake was a better option than healing for himself, which was somewhat absurd he knew, but if it got him to therapy then why nag him about it?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James felt uneasy as he shuffled towards the front door, freezing halfway up the walk and trying to turn away. He likely would have bolted if Teddy hadn’t been directly behind him, grabbing him around the shoulders before he could leave and hugging him with one arm.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come on, Jamie. They missed you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What if dad yells at me?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He won’t.” Teddy promised, turning James and leading him back up to the front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He urged James to go in first, shoulders hunched and head bowed in dejection. Lily was at him in an instant, throwing her arms around him and squeezing. James reeled back in shock, dropping his back and reaching up to cling to his sister’s arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Welcome home, stupid prick!” When she pulled away she immediately grabbed at his face, squeezing his cheeks like their grandmother tended to do. “Hope you had fun keeping Teddy all to yourself for ages. Remember you still have a family!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did have fun, yes,” James responded, picking his bag back up and bumping his shoulder into Lily. “It was loads of fun getting away from you bunch.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, you love the hell out of us,” Lily teased, and James smiled, wrapping an arm around Lily and dragging her close enough to kiss her temple.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She immediately started to whine in irritation, but James was grinning when she pulled away, rubbing at her head and pretending to gag as she ran back into the living room. James looked back at Teddy, who was beaming, then turned and ran his bag up to his room.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He met Albus when they were both coming out of their rooms, and James brightened. “Hey!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey,” Albus fell into step beside James. “Feeling better?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t aware that I was giving the impression I wasn’t doing perfectly fine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh-huh,” Albus rolled his eyes. “You sound normal right now, so that’s good.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” James laughed softly. “I… just needed some time. I wasn’t doing that great, but Teddy helped a lot.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Didn’t know he was a therapist,” Albus said, and James snorted.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He just knows how to talk.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s true,” Albus hummed. “So long as you’re on the mend.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Part way there,” James said. “I’m working on it at least.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you’ve been more messed up than me lately. Which is weird.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m sorry,” James apologized. “I tried to… you know, be normal. It was tough.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What are you gonna do about it?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James walked ahead of Albus. “Stop trying so hard, I guess.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James didn’t know how to tell his parents that he was planning to leave Quidditch for his final year. Over the past few weeks, the past few months actually, he’d started to care about more than just flying. He wanted to focus on his NEWTs without the added pressure of Quidditch practice and the games. James knew his family used to tease that James would be the next professional player in the family, and James wasn’t going to argue that he was a good Chaser, but things were more important to him now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He wanted to help people, not just fly around for people’s entertainment. He wanted to be able to protect people and make the world safer. What better way to do that than to join the Ministry as an Auror? It would be the perfect way to honor Craig, by hunting dark wizards and witches like the one who cut his life far too short.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That would be his reason, because it seemed like the best reason to be alive at all.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Harry had a bit of an attitude during dinner that night, but James didn’t pay him any mind. He had every intention of apologizing to his father for snapping at him. James didn’t need to yell, and Harry deserved an explanation. James didn’t want to tell his father where his sleeping medication went, but he was ready to admit he’d been a mess since what happened to Albus; and Craig. Though he would likely leave out that bit of information. James wasn’t ready for that conversation yet.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James had decided to talk to Ginny first. At the end of dinner he shared a look with Teddy, who got to his feet with Harry and asked him a question about work. They left the room, and James started to bring dishes to the sink, waving Lily and Albus from the kitchen to get them out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I haven’t done chores in weeks, I’m making it up to you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lily was out in an instant, but Albus dragged his feet. James was next to Ginny at the sink for a few minutes, washing and drying dishes. It took him a moment to build up the courage to speak, taking a slow, quiet breath before looking over his shoulder. He just wanted to make sure no one else would hear.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Hey, mum, uh… I was thinking, I want to, uh… I want to look into talking to a Mind Healer.” When Ginny didn’t answer immediately James quickly added. “Therapy, um—”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh honey,” Ginny sighed, and James looked at her nervously, shocked to find she was smiling.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just, you know, things were weird, and I didn’t feel like myself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know.” Ginny reached out to rub his arm. “I tried to support you from the sidelines, but I was so worried. I knew you weren’t okay. Your father and I talked about it. He wanted to insist you talk to someone, but that never goes down well. You need to actively choose it for yourself for it to make any difference. Otherwise you would have just lost faith in us, and stopped trusting us.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James nodded slowly, setting down the plate he’d been drying. “I have the name of a Healer. I was going to write them, set up an appointment, but I wanted to talk to you first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Ginny dried her hands on her shirt before holding her arms out, pulling James into her arms and hugging him, kissing his head. “I’m happy you told me, sweetheart.” She rubbed her hand firmly up and down his back. “I’ll support whatever you choose to do. I love you, honey. Your father, Albus, and Lily love you too. We’re all here for you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James shut his eyes and hugged Ginny back, hiding his face in her shoulder. “I love you too, and I’m really sorry mum. I know I was worrying you, and I’m sorry.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, baby.” Ginny pulled away, holding his face and kissing his forehead with a sad sigh. “You’re getting too big. You used to be my little man.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>“Mum,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>James groaned, and Ginny chuckled, turning back to the sink.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Get back to work. This is no excuse to not finish helping me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes, ma’am.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James followed Teddy outside when he went back to his car after taking tea and desert in the living room. No one else had followed him, having said goodnight to Teddy already, so it was just he and James.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m going to write to that Healer tonight,” James was saying, leaning against the car with his arms folded. “I talked to mum too. She was pretty happy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Told you,” Teddy chuckled, and James rolled his eyes.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, yeah.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Gotta admit, I’m gonna miss having you at the apartment,” Teddy said, watching James closely. “It was nice having dinner already made for me after work. I’m probably gonna go back to eating copious amounts of fast food now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You know mum and dad are always happy to have you over for dinner?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well I can’t really justify only coming by for dinner.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James pouted, “And here I thought you’d want to come see me more often now.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy laughed, grinning. “Well, I do expect a few more replies when I write to you after this.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If I have to,” James sighed, smiling. “Thank you, Teddy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy hummed. “My home is always open to you; and hey, this will be your last year. If you need a roommate, my lease is up next year, and I would definitely consider moving in with a live-in chef.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Might take you up on that,” James said. “Not sure if I’d be able to cook every night, though.” He noted the curious expression on Teddy’s face before explaining. “I think I might look into joining the Auror’s after Hogwarts.” Teddy looked shocked, so James quickly continued. “My grades are good enough, my OWL was good enough. If I keep them as high as they are then I should be able to qualify.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Takes a lot of work after the fact,” Teddy warned, putting his hands in his pockets and arching an eyebrow. “A lot of extra studying and training. It’s exhausting, I promise.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” James said, undeterred. “I still want to do it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s the last thing I expected to hear from you,” Teddy said, and James smiled.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt emotional with pride. “Someone told me once that I was more than I seemed, and that I’ll be surprising people for the rest of my life, doing the exact opposite of what the majority expects, because people aren’t smart enough to look any deeper than what they already know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy looked thoughtful. “Sounds like a smart guy.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah,” James agreed, feeling teary. “He was.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Teddy dragged James into a hug, embracing him tightly with his chin settled in his messy hair. “You’ve got this down, Jamie.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know,” James agreed with a weak laugh. “I’ll be okay.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You will be,” Teddy stroked a hand through James’ hair. “You’re way too stubborn to give up now. Stubbornness is a good thing. Run with it.” He pulled away, opening his car door as James started to back away from the vehicle. “My offer still stands,” Teddy said as he sat down. “If you need a roommate, let me know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re sure you wouldn’t mind dealing with me?” James asked. “I’m a handful.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I have two hands.” Teddy shut the door, rolling down the window after turning over the engine, grinning out at James. “Besides, you’re worth it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>James seemed incapable of responding to that as he stared at Teddy’s smile, watching the man back out of the driveway and drive away from the house. James gave a shaky inhale, lifting a hand to his mouth as his head spun. As if he was lightheaded from Teddy’s smile.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh boy,” he breathed out, tensing and turning when he heard the door open.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“James, come practice with me out back!” Lily yelled, and James shook his head before jogging towards the front door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, sounds fun!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She tossed the Quaffle to him as he stepped through the door, and he was delighted at the thought that passed through his head.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was really happy to still be alive.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This fic ended up being a lot darker and more depressing than I had intended originally. Then again this was a crack fic that I wrote simply because I was bored and needed a break. I was writing my Jeddy multichapter and it just wasn't vibing, so I took a break and wrote this instead.</p>
<p>I think it helped a lot. I feel like I was able to purge all the anxiety I'd been feeling in regards to my multichapter, and I'm ready to go back to it reinvigorated (just as soon as I finish rewriting and editing my jeddyfest fic).</p>
<p>This fic ended up being really close to my heart, because in the chapters with James I poured my heart and soul into them. His depression that seemed to come out of nowhere, and the ways he dealt with it, were very close to my heart. I don't usually write things like this for this particular fandom, because I do know that fine line between educating people about these problems and romanticizing them. I did not want to romanticize suicide or depression in this fic, because they are not glamorous or fun. They're horrible, disgusting things that can ruin so many people's lives.</p>
<p>What I wanted to do in the end was detail James' struggle, and show that talking to people does help. Whatever you're going through, suicide is never, ever the answer. I learned that in my own struggles, and I can only hope that other people can learn that as well.</p>
<p>It is your choice whether or not to get better, but when you make that decision, it's liberating. Healing takes time, and effort, and sometimes you can't do it by yourself, but there will always be someone there to support you when you get to a point where you can't do it yourself.</p>
<p>Whether it's family, friends, or a therapist, there IS someone.</p>
<p>Your life is far too precious to be ended too soon.</p>
<p>So find an excuse to stay alive until you've found a reason.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for reading, and I hope it didn't bring your mood down too much. I wanted to leave you off with a bubbly feeling, excited anticipation for the future.</p>
<p>James is gonna be fine, and we are too.</p>
<p>I love you all ~</p>
<p>— Nico</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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